Friday, December 30, 2011

Impact 12-29-11

Matches:

1. Scott Steiner & Abyss v. Kazarian & AJ Styles - 3 out of 5
2. Zema Ion v. Anthony Neese - 4 out of 5
3. Douglas Williams v. Gunner - 2 out of 5
4. Magnus & Samoa Joe v. Eric Young & ODB - 4 out of 5
5. Kurt Angle v. RVD - 3 out of 5
6. Gail Kim v. Mickie James - 4 out of 5


Notes tally:
1. "Surprising no one." - 2
2. "to the rescue!" - 4

Those notes above have become my catchphrases in my Impact notes as of late. I figured that with my reviews, I could start recording how many times I wrote each phrase that week. It's actually quite interesting to see "to the rescue!" beating out "Surprising no one." this week. Hm.

So we have one new match set for Genesis this week. At the end of his tag team match with Steiner, Abyss turned on his partner, prompting Bully Ray to come out and demand to know what the hell it was Abyss wanted. It seems that all Abyss wants is Bully Ray. In a match, of course! Bully was quick to agree when he was told that the stipulation was that if he could beat Abyss, the monster would re-join the ranks of Immortal. Afterwards, Abyss informed him that the match would be a Monster's Ball. Whatever that is.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair told us all that Gunner is the man. Gunner's approach to getting over is apparently to kill his way to the top. He continued that mission by squashing Douglas Williams.

In other news, Samoa Joe won a match! He and Magnus beat the pulp out of Eric Young and ODB. Oh, dear. I hope this doesn't have a negative impact on that budding relationship. Have I mentioned before that I love odd couples? Meanwhile, Sting squashed Madison's attempt to fire Tara and Brooke Tessmacher by informing her that she has no power and imitating her screeching protests. That didn't stop Madison from getting her makeup done by Jeff Hardy, throwing on a hoodie, and screwing Mickie out of the Knocouts title again.

Next week: Same shit, different year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Raw 12-26-11

Last Raw of 2011! Let's goooooooo!!!!!!

Matches:

1. Booker T v. Cody Rhodes - 3 out of 5
2. Zack Ryder & Eve v. Tyson Kidd & Natalya - 4 out of 5
3. John Cena v. The Miz - 2 out of 5
4. Big Show v. David Otunga - 2 out of 5
5. CM Punk v. Jack Swagger - 4 out of 5
6. CM Punk v. Dolph Ziggler - 4 out of 5


Not a terribly strong show overall this week, but continuing storylines did get played up A LOT. We started the night with John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw (in case you didn't know already), doing Punk's entrance. Punk accused him of baiting, and Mr. Ace tried to show he was unpredictable by setting the main event as a gauntlet for Punk. First Jack Swagger, then Dolph Ziggler, then Mark Henry would have a shot at the WWE champion for a chance to face him next week. Punk thinks he should have a chance at Johnny should he survive the gauntlet, but the point became moot when Laurinaitis essentially screwed Punk during his match with Ziggler. He first distracted the ref from a certain pin to make him eject Vickie and Swagger from ringside, and then he took the opportunity to address Punk about his proposed prize for beating all three opponents. Before the GM could even finish his thought, Ziggler hit the Zig-Zag and gained his spot at the main event next week. Mr. Perfect 2.0, incoming!

R-Truth returned and beat the ever-living hell out of Miz after he'd been counted out for his match with Cena. It's okay; the attack is Little Jimmy approved!

An injured Alberto Del Rio was pushed onto the stage in a wheelchair by an injured Ricardo Rodriguez. His promo was all but overshadowed by the tantalizing sound of an imminent Bella Twins break-up. Let's just hope they don't drag this one out the way they did Michelle McCool and Layla.

And then, there was Kane. Kane started to talk and was quickly interrupted by John Cena's music. He made plain that he was not going to be silenced by summoning a wall of flame at the stage to stop Cena in his tracks. He got all philosophical on the WWE universe by stating that humans were hateful by nature, and he even showed he's been hanging out with Cody Rhodes by making sure he spoke as slowly and clearly as possible. He urged Cena to let the hate flow through him; only then can he defeat Kane, and then his turn to the Dark Side will be complete!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Smackdown 12-23-11

Holiday delays? You betcha!

Matches:

1. Zack Ryder v. Cody Rhodes - 4 out of 5
2. Big Show v. Mark Henry - N/A
3. Sheamus v. The Miz - 3 out of 5
4. Kofi Kingston v. Primo - 3 out of 5
5. Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler - 4 out of 5
6. Daniel Bryan & The Big Show v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger - 4 out of 5.


Let's see... well, it's not often that you get to see the word "dissed" on the WWE.com website, but let's face it, how else do you describe the trolling non-handshake move Daniel Bryan pulled on Mark Henry at the top of the show? Well, trolling, obviously, but this is the WWE, where slang and social fads go to die (mostly). I'm surprised one of the announcers didn't top that one off with "You got SERVED!!omg" Okay, obviously I'm starting this one out a little silly. Shall we try something else?

Wade Barrett continues to be one of the most amazing heels on television today. It's only natural for a British athlete to play the bad guy. Perhaps you could even call it traditional. He's got everything it takes to be the top of the card. With Royal Rumble coming up, I'm thinking he's got more than a good chance to win it.

No matches have been made as of yet for the next pay-per-view, but with TLC barely in our rearview mirrors, I expect that's upcoming in the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, that also leaves me very little to talk about here. Moving on!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Raw 12-19-11

Anyone who's ever worked a job dealing with the public the week before Christmas should understand how hectic it's been around here. I am determined, however, to try to keep things relatively up-to-date amidst the chaos. Therefore, a Raw post on Thursday. Because I won't let you go hungry forever.

Before I dive into this week's episode, I want to extend a special welcome to our new readers coming out of Reddit's r/SquaredCircle, and a thank you to the mods for adding us to the sidebar! Mehe and I are very excited about it, and we hope everyone enjoys their stay here!

So, with the business out of the way, shall we talk some wrestling??


1. Wade Barrett v. Randy Orton - 3 out of 5.
2. Alicia Fox v. Beth Phoenix - 1 out of 5.
3. Sheamus v. Jinder Majal - 3 out of 5.
4. Primo & Epico v. The Usos - 3 out of 5.
5. Cody Rhodes v. Santino Marella - 4 out of 5.
6. CM Punk, Zack Ryder, & Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler, The Miz, & Alberto Del Rio - 5 out of 5.

See that progression right there? That's what you call a perfectly put-together show. Open with a good, strong rivalry. Rate the rest of the matches, and sandwich the weaker ones (Divas, Tag Teams) between the stronger ones (Midcard champions and contenders). Finish the whole thing off with a damn-near pay-per-view quality match that showcases the best of the best? Better savor the moment, while it lasts, WWE Universe. There's always hope that the new era has finally begun, and it's not going anywhere anytime soon, but they're going to have to earn my trust. Putting belts on guys like Bryan, Punk, and Ryder is a good start, but as far as I'm concerned right now, there's no such thing as an automatic pass.

And let's talk about our new champions, shall we? Lots of emotions riding high this week. Heck, Zack Ryder is STILL making facebook and twitter posts to the effect of "We did it, Broskis!" You get the feeling that he's afraid he might wake up at any moment, so he's gonna enjoy the hell out of this ride while he can. And why shouldn't he? I don't think I've ever seen WWE make a guy work as hard to earn a title as Zack Ryder has for the US championship. Zack Ryder, YOU are the Broski of the Week.

Daniel Bryan is quieter with his pure, unadulterated joy, but you can see it in his eyes. He's excited to be the leader of the pack, and the fact that he's doing it with CM Punk is an added bonus that just amuses them both. I have to admit, my indy history is lacking, but I've read a lot of good things about this guy, some of them from people who have worked with him, and it seems he really is a man of honor.

I guess the point is, the three top guys in the company right now are legitimately good wrestlers and hard workers. They've earned their spots not by kissing asses, but by consistently kicking them. Go back and watch their main event again. These guys clearly love what they do, and they're having a blast. They were born to be the best in the business today.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

WWE TLC

Okay, Okay, I've been lazy. In my defense, I had a really shitty weekend. But when the week was said and done on Sunday, I came home, was consoled and pampered by the Best Boyfriend Ever, and then... AND THEN TLC happened. Holy Smokes, what an awesome show!! Has Creative been napping this whole year, and they just woke up? You already know some of the results from Mehe's post, but now it's time to break it down Ali-style! And excuse the lack of my regular formatting, but Blogger seems to be malfunctioning in the /bold/ and /italic/ areas.


1. Zack Ryder v. Dolph Ziggler (US Championship): 4 out of 5. Amazing performance from both competitors. This was an excellent start to a night filled with great and intriguing match-ups. I know I didn't get around to putting up a prediction post, but this was really the only way this could have gone. I'm looking forward to seeing what Zack can do with what is currently the secondary midcard title (the midcard hell championship, perhaps?). I'm equally looking forward to watching Dolph's rise to the top, as that is most certainly where he is heading.

2. Air Boom v. Epico & Primo (Tag Team Championship): 3 out of 5. Know what I remember the most about this match? A budding hatred for Rosa Mendes. Good lord, it's a Latin woman with no rhythm. I didn't know they actually existed. Rosa's attempt at dancing is almost as bad as that little thing that Rosita and Sarita do during Mexican America's entrance over on TNA. She also apparently only knows how to say "Miralo!" and "Me gusta!" And for that second one, I must say, Goddamn you, Reddit. I am ruined.

3. Randy Orton v. Wade Barrett (Tables match): 4 out of 5. I wasn't sure what to expect out of this one, really. This was my first mis-call of the night, as I fully expected the Barrett Barrage to give Randy Orton a little vacation. In the end, though, the Viper leaped up from the table he'd been placed on at the last second to deliver--you guessed it--an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE (tm) to Wade Barrett mid-air.

4. Beth Phoenix v. Kelly Kelly (Divas Championship): 2 out of 5. We only got one of Kelly's moves of doom. I think. I was a little... intoxicated by this point, so I may not have been counting correctly. But it's Kelly. So just what you'd expect, really. The match gets a 2 because Beth continues to be awesome.

5. Triple H v. Kevin Nash (Sledgehammer Ladder Match for the affection of John Laurinaitis): 2 out of 5. Okay, I made that last part up. After that one Raw where Laurinaitis acted like he was married to Trips while boffing Nash on the side, I totally want to see a subtlely subtexted story along those lines. So this is what I'm imagining this match was about. It's certainly more plausible than the fact that they were actually fighting about a text message, and possibly about who's got larger testicles. (hint: she wasn't in the match)

6. Sheamus v. Jack Swagger: 3 out of 5. Meh. Okay, these guys both need someone to fight with. Christian's injured, Jinder Majal is nowhere near ready for a pay-perview, and Swagger's partner's been leaving him as an afterthought lately. It was a good way to keep Swagger from falling through the cracks and into obscurity, and I thought Vickie's sentiment of "You're MY champion" was a good punctuation and possibly a hint that Swagger may be thinking about challenging for one of those belts sometime after the new year.

7. Big Show v. Mark Henry (Chairs Match for the World Heavyweight Championship): 3 out of 5. Once again, what you'd expect from a Big Man Match. The crowd entertained itself again with nostalgic chants. Completely unexpected to me, however, Big Show came out on top. Mark Henry didn't take the loss lying down, however, and knocked Show out afterwards. This was the out for Daniel Bryan, of course, who cashed in his Money in the Bank and became the new champion. As Big Show came to and realized what had happened, he had a look on his face that said, "I can't even be mad though."

8. Cody Rhodes v. Booker T (Intercontinental Championship): 4 out of 5. After being attacked by Rhodes twice backstage, Booker finally made it to the ring at the end of the night to take on the American Nightmare (seriously, when are they going to start using this moniker??). Book made a great effort and showed that the rust hadn't gotten him yet. When you think about it, it's not surprising considering he's also a trainer. The Champion was just a little quicker and more cunning. But I'm actually looking forward to seeing if they're doing something with Booker's character. He had some seriously crazy eyes going on. Know what would make me giddy? All the knocks to the head makes Booker think he's Golddust.

9. CM Punk v. The Miz v. Alberto Del Rio (TLC Match for the WWE Championship): 5 out of 5. Notice a trend for the ratings to get higher recently? Let's hope the trend continues, because this match was the highest quality product I have seen from the company all year. These three guys put on a great match, Ricardo Rodriguez took the Bump of the Year (he may have actually been knocked out afterwards), and CM Punk escaped from handcuffs not once, but twice. The second time was when he showed us he deserves that title he's wearing. When he was handcuffed to the ladder, it was easy enough to break the ladder to get free. But when Miz handcuffed him to the turnbuckle, Punk actually *took off the padding and dismantled part of the ring*. He knows his arena inside and out. THAT is why he is your champion.

Monday, December 19, 2011

It's a miracle.

Today, we loyal wrestling fans have been rewarded.

We rise this morning on the brink of a new era.

Today is a new day, for as we wake, hard working warriors of the ring stand on the top of the mountain with shining bright titles in their possession.

C M Punk, the man who started a revolution in the way the average wrestling fan regards the above average performer and taught us the power of a pipebomb, stands before us as WWE Champion.

Cody Rhodes, whom a little more than a year ago was an afterthought and relegated to a stable with Randy Orton, raises the Intercontinental Championship high above his head with pride, restoring it to its past glory.

Brian Danielson, the wunderkind of the indies, torturously climbed the ranks of the WWE, proved himself again and again, and now he's bathed in the golden light that radiated from the World Heavyweight Championship.

And last (but certainly not least) we come to Zack Ryder, who clawed and fought and dragged his way up through obscurity with nothing to lose and everything to gain. He started his year as less than an afterthought. With hard work, determination, and a personality the size of Montana, he brought himself into the public eye, made himself famous, got to the castle beyond the goblin city, and now as the clock strikes twelve, he holds in his hands the United States Championship.

Congratulations, all four of you. Within this year, you have brought hope back to the WWE. You have taught fans what it's like to believe again.

For that, and so much more, we thank you.

Thank you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Raw 12-12-11: The Slammy Awards!

If you're asking yourself "Where's the Final Resolution recap?" you should probably also ask yourself, "Does it really matter?" TNA's latest pay-per-view was so lackluster, they may as well have just had a 3-hour Impact this week and called it a day.

WWE Raw, however, held their Slammy awards show last night, and the show was entertaining as hell, with guest appearances by several legends that haven't been seen in a while. Here are the winners:

1. "Tell Me I Did Not Just See That" moment of the year: JR's dancing.
2. "Holy %&@*#!" moment of the year: Mark Henry and Big Show break the ring.
3. Pipe Bomb of the year: CM Punk
4. Divalicious moment of the year: Kelly Kelly wins her first title
5. OMG moment of the year: Undertaker kicks out of HHH's tombstone.
6. Trending Star of the year: Zack Ryder #WWWYKI
7. Game Changer of the year: The Rock
8. WWE A-lister of the year: Snooki
9. WWE Superstar of the year: CM Punk

A few matches managed to get squeezed into the show too:

1. Big Show v. Wade Barrett
2. Dolph Ziggler v. Daniel Bryan v. Cody Rhodes v. Zack Ryder - 5 out of 5
3. The Miz & Alberto Del Rio v. CM Punk & Randy Orton
4. Sheamus v. Jinder Majal - N/A
5. John Cena v. Mark Henry

Like I said before, this edition of Raw was littered with Guest Stars, causing a parade of mark-outs from the Girls Watch Wrestling living room. Mick Foley and Ted Dibiase (Sr.) presented the "Holy %&@*#!" moment slammy. The Road Dogg presented Pipe Bomb of the year. Kelly was presented her Slammy by Lita. Tony Atlas joined David Otunga to introduce the nominees for Trending Star of the year, though he mostly just laughed at his co-presenter. Golddust accompanied Vickie Guerrero for A-List star. Christian and Rey Mysterio also made appearances to present awards.

The big return of the night, however, was the much-anticipated return of Masked Kane. I have to admit, I was in and out of consciousness through most of Raw. Mondays I work ridiculously early, and this week I didn't get the real nap that would have allowed me to enjoy the show (which is why half the matches don't have ratings). After Punk won the Superstar of the year, that was the end of it, for me. I didn't really care about Henry v. Cena, and figured I could always watch the trainwreck the next morning. I went to bed, and had almost drifted off when I heard Mehe say, "They're not pulling the trigger on this now!?" Something about the tone of her voice told my brain to get alert. Then I heard the music. I grabbed my glasses and jumped out of bed. Damned if I'm going to miss Kane!!

He made his way down the ramp to the classic Kane theme, wearing a Rocketeer mask, from under which flowed an inexplicable mane of wavy brown locks. Mark Henry took his cue to get the hell out, but poor Cena didn't know what was happening and got chokeslammed for his troubles. Mike expressed doubt that it was really Kane, but then he took off the mask, revealing a more classic mask underneath, proving it to be the Real Deal.

Mark Henry, welcome to your nightmare.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Final Resolution Predictions

1. Bobby Roode v. AJ Styles - 30-man iron man match for the Heavyweight Title. Roode is proving to be a pretty great heel. He's been doing nothing but antagonizing Dixie lately, and I don't think that's gonna be over soon. Sting has plenty more consequences to deal Roode. Ali's Pick: Bobby Roode.

2. Gail Kim v. Mickie James - Knockouts Championship. Karen Jarrett's been doing everything to give Gail Kim a free ride, but that may be coming back to bite her in the ass. She's been making things TOO easy for Kim, while throwing the largest obstacles she can find for Mickie to climb over. Throwing over Gail Kim at this point is gonna be a cake walk for the former Knockouts Champ. Ali's Pick: Mickie James

3. Jeff Hardy v. Jeff Jarrett - Steel Cage match. If Jarrett wins, Hardy has to leave forever. If Hardy wins, he gets the next shot at the heavyweight champion. I think I mentioned this before, but I don't like either of these conclusions, and I'm hoping they hit the floor at the same time and cancel out the conditions. Sadly, this one is all too obvious. Ali's Pick: Jeff Hardy

4. Matt Morgan & Crimson v. Devon & Pope - Tag Team Championship. Before this week, I would have counted Devon & Pope as being very likely to take the titles. However, since Devon's kids got involved, and Devon lost his shit, I think there's way too much conflict there. Those tag titles aren't going anywhere. Ali's Pick: Matt Morgan & Crimson

5. Austin Aries v. Kid Kash - X-Division Championship. I, uh... well, I'm not sure there's enough development here, actually. These two weren't even on the show this week. I know who I'd *rather* see win the match, so we'll just go with that. Ali's Pick: Austin Aries

6. Robbie E v. Eric Young - Television Title. I honestly have no idea. But Robbie E is a douche and I want him off MY television... Ali's Pick: Eric Young

7. Kurt Angle v. James Storm - I think Storm won the verbal battle this week. Kurt visibly backed down. Well, here's one prediction for this match: It'll be longer than the last time. And here's another: Ali's Pick: James Storm

8. Christopher Daniels v. Rob Van Dam - Seriously? Curtain-jerker, for sure. Absolutely no story there other than having one match together. This feels like a rub to me, though... Ali's Pick: Christopher Daniels

Impact 12-8-11

So I made a few predictions this week, and they all came true! Karen Jarrett was a Bitch (tm), Jeff Jarrett hated on Jeff Hardy a LOT. Bully Ray and Steiner were awesome. And they even managed to fit in a few matches! So here's how that went:

1. Samoa Joe v. Abyss - 3
2. Madison Rayne v. Mickie James - 3
3. Gunner v. Garrett Bischoff - 2
4. Traci Brooks v. Gail Kim - 4
5. Jeff Hardy & A.J. Styles v. Jeff Jarrett & Bobby Roode - 4


I don't want to say that the main event was spectacular, or a long-term classic. It was just better than I expected it to be. Madison Rayne showed us more moves than usual this week. And hey, I was just happy not to have to be subjected to Knockouts in Bikinis Part 2.

So, a couple of pre-Pay-Per-View confrontations this week. James Storm was in the house, and Kurt Angle didn't get to say much. Meanwhile, Devon and Pope decided to have a pow-wow with the current Tag Team Champions. Devon showed respect, but Pope insulted them, which resulted in a brawl. Which resulted in Devon's kids getting involved and helping Pope beat down Matt Morgan. Which resulted in Devon's wrath. Pope doesn't seem too concerned, though.

In other storyline continuations, Gunner lost a match against Garrett Bischoff and then gave him a piledriver on the concrete, at Eric Bischoff's urging. Bully Ray and Steiner helped Abyss win his match, but Abyss wasn't falling for their tricks. Later, Steiner said he was going to go talk to Eric Bischoff. SHUT UP AND GO TALK TO HIM ALREADY. Umm... other than this week's episode of Karen Jarrett is a Bitch, I guess that's about it. Stay tuned for the prediction post.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Raw 12- 5-11

The Matches:

1. The Miz v. Randy Orton - 3 out of 5.
2. Alberto Del Rio v. Daniel Bryan - 3 out of 5.
3. Kelly Kelly & Eve v. The Divas of Doom - 1 out of 5
4. John Cena v. Zack Ryder - 4 out of 5
5. Zack Ryder v. Mark Henry - 3 out of 5
6. Kevin Nash v. Santino Marella - 2 out of 5
7. Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler - 4 out of 5


Five of the matches this week were opportunities for the contenders to get an opportunity at titles. The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, John Cena, and Dolph Ziggler were all vying for a spot in the main event at TLC, and Zack Ryder had not one, but two chances to get his shot at Dolph Ziggler's US title. The first time around, John Cena won and got his shot at CM Punk, but when he confronted John Laurinaitis about Zack Ryder deserving another title shot against Ziggler, Mr. Ace agreed to give him one more shot... on the condition that John Cena gives up his position in the TLC title match. Luckily, John did the right thing, and even came out and put Henry down for Zack at the end of the match (the match was no DQ, and Mark Henry was beating the pulp out of little Zack).

So that gives us two new matches for TLC: CM Punk will defend his championship in a triple-threat match against both Alberto Del Rio and The Miz. And Dolph Ziggler will once again defend his US championship against Zack Ryder. Kevin Nash also won a match at TLC against HHH: a ladder match, where a sledgehammer will be hanging above the ring. Whoever makes it to the sledgehammer first will have the right to use it against his opponent until there is a winner.

Meanwhile, the announcers continue to be surprised that Kelly Kelly keeps winning. Tip to the announce team: It's not an upset if it keeps fucking happening. I'm barely paying attention to the Diva's matches at this point. I really can't stand Kelly. I'm glad that Alicia Fox seems to be worthy of screen time now, but there's so much more than just those five, plus AJ to pick on every so often. Kaitlyn's been teasing a heel turn, and she'd be a great addition to the Divas of Doom, who sort of need a third since the faces have teamed up. I hope they go ahead and do this soon. On a side note, Layla, wherever you are, I hope you are cleared soon.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Impact 12-1-11

I did intend to post this last night, but then the cat tried to kill me. You know, the usual.

Matches:

1. Devon & Pope v. Mexican America v. Ink, Inc. - 3 out of 5.
2. Mickie James v. ODB - 4 out of 5.
3. RVD v. Robbie E - 2 out of 5.
4. Jeff Hardy v. A.J. Styles v. Bobby Roode - 3 out of 5.


Every time I finish listing the matches for Impact, I sit back a moment and go, "was that really all?" Then I remember they have an hour and a half of backstage segments, in-ring promos, interviews via sattelite, and Karen Jarrett being a bitch to squeeze in somewhere. This week, the Knockouts match ALMOST made up for that. Seriously, a street fight between Mickie James and ODB? This had to have been an absolute field day for Mickie. She learned to wrestle with the boys, and ODB is a tough girl, so Mickie was like Superman battling Darkseid: for a rare moment in her career, she was allowed the opportunity to let loose her full destructive power and really let ODB have it.

Speaking of the Knockouts, this weeks episode of Karen Jarrett is a Bitch was TOTALLY pointless. It's December, you whore, put those girls back in some actual clothes and back indoors so they don't catch pneumonia. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a scantily-clad woman as much as the next fan, but this was blatant fanservice at its worst. The announcers were barely able to muster up any kind of excitement about it. The whole thing went absolutely nowhere. As a female wrestling fan, it was particularly insulting.

Worse than Bully Ray and Scott Steiner sending Abyss hookers, you ask? Well, yes. At least the hookers served a purpose. Immortal senses danger from the jilted monster and Eric Bischoff put Bully Ray in charge of doing everything he could to get him back into the fold. Luckily for us, this meant another backstage segment between Bully and Steiner. If I could just have two hours of those two yelling incoherently at each other, I would be happy. They're fucking magic together. So they concocted a very simple plan to get on Abyss' good side: get him laid. Apparently, between the two of them, they know a lot of ladies of the night. Those poor girls never knew what hit them...

Now, finally, we have the updates for Final Resolution. Mickie James was already the #1 contender for Gail Kim's championship, but she had to go through ODB this week anyway to keep that spot (Because Karen Jarrett is a Bitch, for anyone playing the drinking game). Devon and Pope won the right to face Mexican America in their match. Oh, yeah, and Jeff Jarrett is exuding so much hate for Jeff Hardy lately, Sting decided it would be best for them to fight in a steel cage. But that's not all! If Jarrett wins, Hardy leaves forever (fat chance), and if Hardy wins, he becomes #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. I'm actually kind of hoping for a stalemate both-men-hit-the-floor-at-the-same-time ending to this match, because I don't like either of those outcomes. I said I would keep an open mind, and give Hardy a chance if he can show he can still work. He's been doing well in the last few weeks, but I really don't understand how this merits him another opportunity at the belt. The company should know better. And it REALLY sounds awkward coming from Sting, the guy who had to put that dog down, giving Hardy, the guy who cost TNA dozens of dollars in pay-per-view sales, a free pass at the gold.

Do you hear that, TNA? That's the sound of the entire internet banging its collective head against the wall.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Smackdown 11-29-11

Matches:

1. Divas Mistletoe on a pole match - 1 out of 5.
2. Justin Gabriel v. Jinder Majal - 2 out of 5.
3. Kofi Kingston v. Tyson Kidd - 4 out of 5.
4. Randy Orton v. David Otunga - 4 out of 5.
5. 20-man Battle Royal - 4 out of 5.
6. Mark Henry v. Daniel Bryan - 4 out of 5.


I know, I know, the scores seem high, but hear me out. I have a variety of factors that determine my ratings, and one of them is the expectations going in. The last four matches recieve a 4 because they were already decent matches, and the exceeded those expectations. Kofi managed to bump his match up by donning the Rudolph headgear JUST so the announcers could yell "FLYING REINDEER!" Orton and Otunga was more fun than I thought I would see from those two. Henry and Bryan heated their feud up rather suitably. And then there was the Battle Royal.

Not just that Hornswaggle managed to trip Sheamus out of the ring to win. That finish really could have gone either way and I was eagerly watching to see if Hornwaggle would win, and if so, how he managed to pull it off. It was clear when they both made it to the apron that Swaggle was going to use his wits to catch the Great White off-guard, and it was fun to see Sheamus then briefly celebrate with the winner. Here's the real shocker, though: Tyler Reks came in sixth place. When's the last time anyone even saw Reks in a match? How many of those fans do you think were wondering, "why is Rob Zombie wrestling?" I expected the guy to be one of the first thrown out, right alongside Darren Young (dead last) and Johnny Curtis. Instead, he's one of the four heels that gang up on Sheamus and then turn their attention to tossing out Hornswaggle.

For his victory, Hornswaggle was granted the ability to talk by Santa! So there's that.

Raw 11-28-11

Well, that hiatus was longer than I expected, and I do apologize. But I'm back now! I'm not even going to bother trying to catch up on the last month's worth of events (in TNA's case, I haven't even seen half of them). We're just going to jump in head-first, like we never even left. Cool? Cool.

The matches:
1. Miz v. John Morrison - 3 out of 5.
2. Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox v. The Bellas - 1 out of 5.
3. Dolph Ziggler v. Randy Orton - 3 out of 5.
4. Zack Ryder v. Jack Swagger - 3 out of 5.
5. CM Punk v. Alberto Del Rio - 4 out of 5.


With the definite exemption of Punk and ADR, the matches this Monday were a little under par for me. This could be because the special holiday edition of Smackdown was to follow the next night, who knows? There were some things accomplished here, however. Morrison was written off the air, since his contract is up (Goodbye Johnny! Enjoy your vacation while you wait the 90 days to begin your next endeavor!). Zack Ryder gained even more momentum towards a US Championship match, despite his bout with Swagger not being terribly exciting. And CM Punk proved that he was more wiley than his opponent and kept his title. Divas matches accomplish nothing anymore, and Ziggler's match with Orton was just there to remind us that Zigs is AMAZING in the ring.

Since my last review, WWE has released a pair of interesting promos. The first is the return of Kane, and it looks like the mask could be back. 90s marks like myself are flipping out at this idea. Mehe has an amazing WrestleMania match playing in her head that is so awesome I could not do it justice. A masked Kane could easily destroy half the roster before his reign of terror is over, and I am looking forward to each and every minute of it. This is, of course, assuming that WWE doesn't fumble. Again.

The second vignette, however, is the one that's really got the internet abuzz with speculation. We at least know by the narration that we have only a month to wait ("the second day of 2012"), and I suspect by then there will be newer, alternate versions that will give us a better clue as to who to expect. The most popular opinion, of course, is Chris Jericho. The occasional glitching out of the twitter identifier (along with other references in the script) supports this theory. The prophetic phrasing of the script could point to the Undertaker (and the fact that the vignette is running in parallel to the Kane promo doesn't hurt the idea of either a reunion or a feud). The idea of a force to be reckoned with could also allude to WWE's view of Batista, who is suddenly promising CRAZY announcements after the New Year. Heck, I've even seen people playing the crazy conspiracy numbers game and coming up with JBL (nice try, by the way). Like I said, at this point, it is anyone's guess, and I'm going to try to keep my mind and my ears open for anything.