Hello, boys and girls! I had to take a little break from wrestling, and re-assess the way I do things (again), but I'm back to talk about the major points of each show this week. This week, there's a lot of going back and finding results for various reasons, so I'll just do my best.
Extreme Rules
1. Closing on Pay-Per-View nights really sucks. I got home just in time to see the end of the show, but Mehe was sending me live updates all night. I wish I'd seen the rest of the show, because what I saw left me fairly disillusioned and severely annoyed. Anyway, the way my schedule is right now, it looks like Pay-per-view notes are going to be vague and based off of second-hand accounts, although I do use the WWE website to refresh my memory on all their events.
2. The Intercontinental Title is home. The second Mehe texted me that Cody Rhodes and Big Show were having a tables match, I knew the deck was stacked in the favor of The Dashing One. The result was pretty much what I expected in that case, Big Show managed to get knocked off-balance and went through a table by accident. Mike pointed out the beauty of this victory: This was the embarrassing Big Show moment Cody was looking for at WrestleMania. I'm now wondering if the WM victory only served to give Big Show his Grand Slam. The man has been around a long time, and I can't help but begin to wonder if he's thinking about taking a step back for the younger talent to grow and prosper.
3. The Divas division has potential again. So, Kharma trolled everyone by tweeting that the Bellas were about to get their ass beat. But when it was time for their match, an entirely different Diva returned: Layla!! I was just walking out the door of my job and swore loudly when I got the message that Layla was back. I was expecting her at WrestleMania, and I have been anxiously awaiting her return for some time now. I'm just pissed I missed it. Layla is the example of what a Diva Search should yield. She won, she was trained, and she can perform actual wrestling moves against the other girls. Having the belt around her waist gives the rest of the roster a fighting chance while not making the title look like a TOTAL joke.
4. John Cena makes no fucking sense. So the ending of the match didn't surprise me the way it did Mehe. Apparently she was legitimately expecting Brock to go over Cena. I wasn't phased in the least by the pinfall. What really got my blood boiling was afterwards, when Cena picked up a mic. Now, normally, I'm actually a defender of his mic work. I'd like to see him step out of the ring and become a manager. He's a good talker, he'd be good at talking up another piece of talent. However, in this case, I was left going, "What the fuck was that shit??" He sounded like he was about to say something controversial... and then proceeded to forget to say anything that would actually make anybody in the office mad enough at him to take him out of action. It amounted to, "I love the fans, I love Chicago. My boss might be mad at me." Um, why, John? For being the perpetual good guy who always wins, and sticks by the fan base no matter what they're yelling at you? Somehow I don't think that promo is going to get any blood boiling upstairs.
Monday Night Raw
1. Brock needs a Mouth, and kayfabe doesn't fool Smarks. Good Gods, I hate listening to Brock Lesnar talk. The opening promo was one instance I was actually glad to see Triple H. Brock acted like he deserved the world after Extreme Rules, but Trips was the one who actually reminded him that he LOST HIS MATCH, and that doesn't entitle him to special treatment. Brcck responded the only way he knows how: Physical violence! He broke Triple H's arm! You know it's true, because Jerry Lawler said he heard it snap.
2. Eve is a naughty secretary. WWE Creative is absolutely taking the right direction with Eve as Johnny Ace's Executive Assistant. My favorite part of this new role is the pre-requisite Executive Glasses. It's a small detail, but it makes the whole thing so much more solid for me. I'm not sure that authoritative role would do it for me without the glasses. But with them, it's like magic.
3. The IWC wets their collective pants. So the big event of the evening was a beat-the-clock challenge to determine the #1 contender for the WWE championship. Miz set the pace, and then Orton beat Miz's time... and then Daniel Bryan went up against Jerry Lawler. Guys, Daniel Bryan is the #1 contender for CM Punk's WWE Championship. I'm not sure any of us are going to know what to do when they actually face each other for the prize. We've seen them in non-title matches on television. It's hard for me to imagine what they will come up with when the title is on the line on pay-per-view. I think we're all pretty damned excited.
4. WWE no-sells John Cena's nonsense. So far from getting angry with John for... whatever it is John thought he'd be in trouble for, or running with an injury storyline, Eve quickly put Johnny Ace on the task of determining Cena's next opponent. Johnny's solution was simple enough: HE'S Cena's next opponent. I'm wondering now if pay-per-views are like the WWE's version of Zelda dungeons. Cena main evented against Kane first (the first dungeon is always the easiest), then Rock, then Brock Lesnar. I wonder, does that make Laurinaitis Gannondorf? Or will the main event of No Way Out end up being John Cena v. Vince McMahon?
Impact! Wrestling
1. You know what? I've got almost nothing. My broadcast died halfway through, and I just gave up trying to watch. Hogan said "brother" and "dude" a lot, this week aimed at Ric Flair (for some reason he thinks Ric flair must be a better judge of talent than he is of character). And RVD cut a promo about being the #1 contender that I couldn't take seriously, or really even comprehend because once he was in the ring I caught a contact high and was ridiculously silly for minutes afterwards. You know what, though? Jeff Hardy still isn't in the top spot for the title, so I'm pretty much okay with anything that happens after that. Also, the only way to get the recap for TNA is through Wrestling With Text. CWMonkey is one funny dude, brother. And he makes the creepiest gifs of Jeff Hardy you will ever see.
Friday Night Smackdown!
1. Ricardo Rodriguez, professional scene stealer. Ricardo stole the show early on this week. Alberto Del Rio decided to interfere in Sheamus' match with Daniel Bryan, and Ricardo helped by providing the distraction in the form of a cross-body splash from the top rope. No doubt my good friend (affectionately known as "The Nerd") was marking out just as hard as Mehe was. I totally understand the fanbase for this guy. It would be nice to see him break out on his own and show us just how much he can really do.
2. Damien Sandow finally debuted... sort of. The segment amounted to him taking his thus-far pre-recorded lectures on how uncivilized everyone is and making it a live spot. He was supposed to have a match against Derrick Batemen (who earned an opportunity to compete on Smackdown during the last episode of NXT), but claimed that the audience would gain no enlightenment from such an altercation, and left with a smug "You're Welcome." It was glorious, and it transitioned rather seamlessly into Derrick Bateman demanding the match that he earned, only to be answered, and consequently smashed by Ryberg. Er... Ryback... You know, whatever.
3. The Executive Transformation continues. Eve started by putting on the glasses. On Friday, she was in a classic black dress suit with white button-down underneath the jacket. This coming up Monday, look for her hair to be in a bun. Seriously. Also in this segment, Teddy Long was forced to rub oil on Antonio Cesario while the up-and-comer bounced his pecs around, which was also pretty funny.
4. AJ is losing her shit. One thing I didn't mention in the Monday section was how AJ slapped Kaitlyn for telling her that Daniel Bryan was a no-good scoundrel. This week, AJ apologized to Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn totally understood... except that she told AJ she had to stop moping and move on. Maybe it was the use of the words "pity party," or the way Kaitlyn came across with a "get over yourself" kind of tone, but AJ slapped her best friend again, knocking her down this time. I'm really looking forward to the night she completely blows her steam, and truly begins her ascent to the top of the Divas roster.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Raw 4-16-12
1. CM Punk v. Mark Henry (WWE Championship): 4 out of 5. THIS is the way Raw is beginning this week? I'm either extremely hopeful for the rest of the show, or this is the only part that needs to be watched tonight. The match was amazing. No DQ and no countouts meant we got a significant amount of these guys fighting outside the ring and hitting each other with chairs. Best super mark-out moment of the night was when Punk grabbed the chair from the floor outside and hopped up onto the apron. My brain immediately said, "Is he gonna fly with the chair??" And then he started to climb. "He's gonna fly with the chair!!!" And then he flew with the chair, and both Mark Henry and I were done for the night.
After the match, Jericho showed up on the screen to accuse Punk of drinking because he showed up at a pub in England, demanding to know what Punk was doing there. To which I said to the screen, "... having a sandwich?"
2. Santino Marella v. David Otunga (US Championship): 2 out of 5. This match should have been better than it was, but it was riddled with a lack of the performers being able to sync with one another. It was interesting to see Santino's split countered, but the resulting cover was so bad that even Jerry Lawler called it a botch in the replay. And then when Santino did pull off his signature split-hip toss combo, Otunga apparently didn't rotate the way he should have or something, which resulted in a very sloppy-looking maneuver. Which is just sad to me, because I imagine that that's like the first thing you have to graduate from in wrestling school: Hip Toss 101.
3. Kane v. Zack Ryder: N/A. No match ever really happened here. Kane just quickly destroyed Zack Ryder, again (hey, remember when Cena and Ryder were broskis?), and then gloated about taking out Randy Orton and his father last week. So, nothing really important happened.
4. Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston: 4 out of 5. Before the match, we were treated to Bryan being a delicious asshole to Kofi for allegedly hitting on AJ. He renamed his famous submission hold the "Yes! Lock" and then chanted "YES! YES! YES!" right in Kofi's face until he just walked away. The match itself was a lot of fun. I've always enjoyed the smaller guys because they're quicker and more agile, and therefore make for a more entertaining, fast-paced match. AJ watched from the back, and smiled to herself slightly when her ex-boyfriend made Kofi tap out in the end.
5. Brodus Clay v. Dolph Ziggler: 3 out of 5. Here we have the only way to make a squash halfway entertaining: Put Dolph Ziggler in the match. Jack Swagger was looking very professional at ringside in his suit, and created a disqualification when he interfered in the match. Afterwards, Vickie screamed, kicked over one of the funkettes, laughed maniacally, ran straight into the Funkasaurus, was mesmerized by his jiggling, and then ran away while throwing a fantastic fit. I don't care what else happens, I just want Vickie to stay on my screen at this point.
6. Big Show & The Great Khali v. Primo & Epico: 1 out of 5. Why? Because you thought side-by-side choke-slams would look cool? To drive home the fact that there is no Tag Team division? The only thing that I can say about this match is that Khali genuinely looked happy, and like he was having a lot of fun in England. Which makes sense, because that was probably the biggest pop he's gotten in a long time.
7. Lord Tensai v. John Cena: 4 out of 5. Mr. Excitement strikes again! In response to John Cena's determinator speech earlier, Laurinaitis set an "extreme rules" match against a mystery opponent for the main event. I don't think anyone expected that opponent to be Lord Tensai, but we finally got to see a full match with the returning formerly-known-as Prince Albert. We were proven right that those head "tattoos" wouldn't survive more than two minutes. And we also got a surprise: Tensai has apparently adopted the famous green mist finish we've seen before, from The Great Muta and Taijiri. The mist caught Cena in the face after he dispatched an attempted assault from Otunga, and it gave Tensai the win. Wait, what? What just happened? Cena lost? Is Tensai really being built up to a true unstoppable monster? Will Cena lose his smile? Why has the wardrobe department become apparently obsessed with putting big men in shiny red vinyl/rubber/whatever the hell Tensai's gear is made of? The answers to these questions, and probably less, on the next episode of Monday Night Raw! Which happens to be a three-hour show.
Also, John Cena has a contract signing with Brock Lesnar, so that should be exactly like a big pile of cuddly puppies.
After the match, Jericho showed up on the screen to accuse Punk of drinking because he showed up at a pub in England, demanding to know what Punk was doing there. To which I said to the screen, "... having a sandwich?"
2. Santino Marella v. David Otunga (US Championship): 2 out of 5. This match should have been better than it was, but it was riddled with a lack of the performers being able to sync with one another. It was interesting to see Santino's split countered, but the resulting cover was so bad that even Jerry Lawler called it a botch in the replay. And then when Santino did pull off his signature split-hip toss combo, Otunga apparently didn't rotate the way he should have or something, which resulted in a very sloppy-looking maneuver. Which is just sad to me, because I imagine that that's like the first thing you have to graduate from in wrestling school: Hip Toss 101.
3. Kane v. Zack Ryder: N/A. No match ever really happened here. Kane just quickly destroyed Zack Ryder, again (hey, remember when Cena and Ryder were broskis?), and then gloated about taking out Randy Orton and his father last week. So, nothing really important happened.
4. Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston: 4 out of 5. Before the match, we were treated to Bryan being a delicious asshole to Kofi for allegedly hitting on AJ. He renamed his famous submission hold the "Yes! Lock" and then chanted "YES! YES! YES!" right in Kofi's face until he just walked away. The match itself was a lot of fun. I've always enjoyed the smaller guys because they're quicker and more agile, and therefore make for a more entertaining, fast-paced match. AJ watched from the back, and smiled to herself slightly when her ex-boyfriend made Kofi tap out in the end.
5. Brodus Clay v. Dolph Ziggler: 3 out of 5. Here we have the only way to make a squash halfway entertaining: Put Dolph Ziggler in the match. Jack Swagger was looking very professional at ringside in his suit, and created a disqualification when he interfered in the match. Afterwards, Vickie screamed, kicked over one of the funkettes, laughed maniacally, ran straight into the Funkasaurus, was mesmerized by his jiggling, and then ran away while throwing a fantastic fit. I don't care what else happens, I just want Vickie to stay on my screen at this point.
6. Big Show & The Great Khali v. Primo & Epico: 1 out of 5. Why? Because you thought side-by-side choke-slams would look cool? To drive home the fact that there is no Tag Team division? The only thing that I can say about this match is that Khali genuinely looked happy, and like he was having a lot of fun in England. Which makes sense, because that was probably the biggest pop he's gotten in a long time.
7. Lord Tensai v. John Cena: 4 out of 5. Mr. Excitement strikes again! In response to John Cena's determinator speech earlier, Laurinaitis set an "extreme rules" match against a mystery opponent for the main event. I don't think anyone expected that opponent to be Lord Tensai, but we finally got to see a full match with the returning formerly-known-as Prince Albert. We were proven right that those head "tattoos" wouldn't survive more than two minutes. And we also got a surprise: Tensai has apparently adopted the famous green mist finish we've seen before, from The Great Muta and Taijiri. The mist caught Cena in the face after he dispatched an attempted assault from Otunga, and it gave Tensai the win. Wait, what? What just happened? Cena lost? Is Tensai really being built up to a true unstoppable monster? Will Cena lose his smile? Why has the wardrobe department become apparently obsessed with putting big men in shiny red vinyl/rubber/whatever the hell Tensai's gear is made of? The answers to these questions, and probably less, on the next episode of Monday Night Raw! Which happens to be a three-hour show.
Also, John Cena has a contract signing with Brock Lesnar, so that should be exactly like a big pile of cuddly puppies.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Raw 4-2-12
Monday Night Raw the night following WrestleMania was just amazing. The general consensus seems to be that there is no way that WWE is topping this show at any time in the upcoming year. So, let's take a look at what made it so awesome.
First of all, John Laurinaitis is now the General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown. He began the show Monday night by holding a meeting with the entire roster and promising to give people the entertaining show that they want. Like having two championship matches in one night!
1. Santino Marella v. Dolph Ziggler v. Jack Swagger (United States Championship): 3 out of 5. There's a 3 here, because this match was pretty predictable from the moment it was announced. Mehe mused at which one of Vickie's clients would take the title, and then I correctly predicted, "Santino's not dropping the belt. Eventually Dolph and Swagger are going to start fighting over who gets to pin him." I was right, which didn't make it THAT much less entertaining, but it certainly took some wind out of my sails knowing that it was going to go down that way. The best thing that happened however, was after the match, when Brodus Clay showed up to headbutt Dolph Ziggler out of mid-air, saving Santino's butt.
2. Lord Tensai v. Alex Riley: 2 out of 5. A squash is a squash, although there were two awesome things going on here. First, that Albert (or A-Train, or whatever you want to call him) returned with this vicious gimmick of having earned his wrestling stripes in Japan. Second, that Alex Riley got utterly crushed. The best part of Albert's return as Lord Tensai was that he was openly acknowledged to have been in the company before. Nobody came out and said, "Prince Albert", but it was nice to see that nod from the commentators.
3. Mark Henry v. CM Punk (WWE Championship): 4 out of 5. This could have been a potentially horrifying match in one of two ways. One, Punk could have dominated Mark Henry, leaving the poor guy buried. Or it could have gone the other way, with Henry making quick work of Punk in a squash match. I like it when my matches that involve one of the big guys are believable, and that's what this was. The 'E still found a way to keep the title on Punk (Henry won by count-out, and thus did not take the title) while keeping the World's Strongest Man looking strong. After the match, Jericho poured whiskey onto Punk's face, smashed another bottle over his head, and slipped in the resulting puddle on the floor. Meanwhile, some guy I'm told is from the old ECW days offered to represent Mark Henry as his manager, and I like where that is going.
4. Miz v. Zack Ryder: 2 out of 5. This match was just a post-mania grudge between the guy who got pinned and the guy who did the pinning for Team Johnny. Nothing really special here to make it stand out.
5. Kofi Kingston v. Cody Rhodes: 1 out of 5. Even worse, Cody Rhodes only got a match on the show as an opportunity for the new Intercontinental Champion Big Show to come out and gloat so as to distract Cody, giving Kofi the win.
The big mid-show promo saw the return of Alberto Del Rio (and his personal ring announcer, Mehe's favorite, Ricardo Rodriguez), who interrupted newly-crowned World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus to tell him that they have a match on Friday. Good Ol' Johnny Ace set this match up as an opportunity for Del Rio to win an upcoming title shot. Backstage, Daniel Bryan was not amused, and had nothing to say. AJ, for her part, looked PETRIFIED.
The show began and ended with the combatants reactions to the Rock/Cena match. Rock was the first thing we saw after Mr. Ace on Monday. He gave his respect to John Cena for a hard-fought battle, and then... well, apparently he's decided to become WWE Champion again. Um. What?
Conversely, the end of the show saw Cena come out and admit defeat to the Rock. He had his serious voice on, and didn't laugh it off like many of us were worried he might do. He still managed to piss the fans off when he encouraged an already-going "YES!" chant from the crowd and then thought Daniel Bryan owed him something. The crowd in Miami on Monday night, by the way, was FANTASTIC. These were people who know what a wrestling crowd is supposed to sound like. Something we don't hear very often any more. The arena was filled to the brim with the smartest of marks, and in the middle of John Cena's speech, they were already chanting, "WE WANT LESNAR!" John Cena tried to play it off, but it was a lot harder to do when, after he invited the Rock to the ring in order to pay him respect, Brock Lesnar showed up instead.
Arrive. F-5. Leave.
I'll tell you what I want from this rivalry. I want Lesnar to refuse to call John Cena by name, and instead refer to him only as "Boy Scout." I want this to frustrate John Cena. I want these two to have a series of heated battles that leads them to a steel cage match at SummerSlam, and I want Lesnar to beat Cena clean in that match. This is where John Cena begins his slow-burn heel turn. He's been beaten by the Rock, and now he's been defeated by Lesnar. Maybe he's not as good as all that. Maybe, just maybe, he does, in fact, suck. I want Cena to start using underhanded methods, little shortcuts at first, turning eventually into desperation chair shots while the ref is down. Preferably, at some point, Cena starts referring to Brock Lesnar as "friend" and you're not quite sure how to take it. Then one day, it's all too clear: John Cena has turned into Bizarro Cena.
Okay, so maybe it's a bit geeky.
First of all, John Laurinaitis is now the General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown. He began the show Monday night by holding a meeting with the entire roster and promising to give people the entertaining show that they want. Like having two championship matches in one night!
1. Santino Marella v. Dolph Ziggler v. Jack Swagger (United States Championship): 3 out of 5. There's a 3 here, because this match was pretty predictable from the moment it was announced. Mehe mused at which one of Vickie's clients would take the title, and then I correctly predicted, "Santino's not dropping the belt. Eventually Dolph and Swagger are going to start fighting over who gets to pin him." I was right, which didn't make it THAT much less entertaining, but it certainly took some wind out of my sails knowing that it was going to go down that way. The best thing that happened however, was after the match, when Brodus Clay showed up to headbutt Dolph Ziggler out of mid-air, saving Santino's butt.
2. Lord Tensai v. Alex Riley: 2 out of 5. A squash is a squash, although there were two awesome things going on here. First, that Albert (or A-Train, or whatever you want to call him) returned with this vicious gimmick of having earned his wrestling stripes in Japan. Second, that Alex Riley got utterly crushed. The best part of Albert's return as Lord Tensai was that he was openly acknowledged to have been in the company before. Nobody came out and said, "Prince Albert", but it was nice to see that nod from the commentators.
3. Mark Henry v. CM Punk (WWE Championship): 4 out of 5. This could have been a potentially horrifying match in one of two ways. One, Punk could have dominated Mark Henry, leaving the poor guy buried. Or it could have gone the other way, with Henry making quick work of Punk in a squash match. I like it when my matches that involve one of the big guys are believable, and that's what this was. The 'E still found a way to keep the title on Punk (Henry won by count-out, and thus did not take the title) while keeping the World's Strongest Man looking strong. After the match, Jericho poured whiskey onto Punk's face, smashed another bottle over his head, and slipped in the resulting puddle on the floor. Meanwhile, some guy I'm told is from the old ECW days offered to represent Mark Henry as his manager, and I like where that is going.
4. Miz v. Zack Ryder: 2 out of 5. This match was just a post-mania grudge between the guy who got pinned and the guy who did the pinning for Team Johnny. Nothing really special here to make it stand out.
5. Kofi Kingston v. Cody Rhodes: 1 out of 5. Even worse, Cody Rhodes only got a match on the show as an opportunity for the new Intercontinental Champion Big Show to come out and gloat so as to distract Cody, giving Kofi the win.
The big mid-show promo saw the return of Alberto Del Rio (and his personal ring announcer, Mehe's favorite, Ricardo Rodriguez), who interrupted newly-crowned World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus to tell him that they have a match on Friday. Good Ol' Johnny Ace set this match up as an opportunity for Del Rio to win an upcoming title shot. Backstage, Daniel Bryan was not amused, and had nothing to say. AJ, for her part, looked PETRIFIED.
The show began and ended with the combatants reactions to the Rock/Cena match. Rock was the first thing we saw after Mr. Ace on Monday. He gave his respect to John Cena for a hard-fought battle, and then... well, apparently he's decided to become WWE Champion again. Um. What?
Conversely, the end of the show saw Cena come out and admit defeat to the Rock. He had his serious voice on, and didn't laugh it off like many of us were worried he might do. He still managed to piss the fans off when he encouraged an already-going "YES!" chant from the crowd and then thought Daniel Bryan owed him something. The crowd in Miami on Monday night, by the way, was FANTASTIC. These were people who know what a wrestling crowd is supposed to sound like. Something we don't hear very often any more. The arena was filled to the brim with the smartest of marks, and in the middle of John Cena's speech, they were already chanting, "WE WANT LESNAR!" John Cena tried to play it off, but it was a lot harder to do when, after he invited the Rock to the ring in order to pay him respect, Brock Lesnar showed up instead.
Arrive. F-5. Leave.
I'll tell you what I want from this rivalry. I want Lesnar to refuse to call John Cena by name, and instead refer to him only as "Boy Scout." I want this to frustrate John Cena. I want these two to have a series of heated battles that leads them to a steel cage match at SummerSlam, and I want Lesnar to beat Cena clean in that match. This is where John Cena begins his slow-burn heel turn. He's been beaten by the Rock, and now he's been defeated by Lesnar. Maybe he's not as good as all that. Maybe, just maybe, he does, in fact, suck. I want Cena to start using underhanded methods, little shortcuts at first, turning eventually into desperation chair shots while the ref is down. Preferably, at some point, Cena starts referring to Brock Lesnar as "friend" and you're not quite sure how to take it. Then one day, it's all too clear: John Cena has turned into Bizarro Cena.
Okay, so maybe it's a bit geeky.
Monday, April 2, 2012
WrestleMania!!!
The Girls Watch Wrestling crew enjoyed a good crowd, good wings, and a great show last night for the big event. As expected, my predictions were wildly misguided. My record last night ended up being 3-5 (4-5 if you count the dark match). Despite that, I was incredibly happy with most of the results.
1. Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Championship): 0 out of 5. The show looked to be starting off on a high note when Sheamus' music hit. We're starting with the World Heavyweight match? Yes! Yes! Yes! Unfortunately, our hopes were smashed in three seconds when the entire match consisted of Sheamus kicking Bryan in the head and winning the title. We all felt that this booking shit all over the title, and more to the point as Mike pointed out, it shit all over Big Show and Mark Henry, who Daniel Bryan has overcome on multiple occasions. I've seen an argument out there that this finish has good potential for building a real feud between these two men. I like the idea, but I feel like that's thinking too creatively.
2. Kane v. Randy Orton: 3 out of 5. Huh. Kane actually won this match. I'm happy for him, but I just don't feel any excitement from here. The match itself was very good. It just didn't mean anything. Hopefully there's a real build after this that leads into Extreme Rules.
3. Big Show v. Cody Rhodes (Intercontinental Championship): 3 out of 5. My losing streak continued here when Big Show captured a Grand Slam and became Intercontinental Champion. The match was as good as a Big Show match tends to be, but there was a lot of room for it to have been better. Big Show dominated Cody for most of the match, and when Cody did get in offense, it was fierce. I just wanted to see more of it. I wanted to see Big Show work harder for his victory here.
4. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos v. Eve & Beth Phoenix: 3 out of 5. Even the Divas went all out for their match with this year's "celebrity" guest star. The unfortunate girl made the rookie mistake of wearing white pants, and as a consequence, spent most of the match with Eve's fake tan smeared on her ass. And what the hell was Beth Phoenix wearing on her head? I'm a little annoyed that this was one of the two predictions I got right, but I think there's a rule carved in stone somewhere about celebrities that actually take part in a match. "And thou shalt let the non-wrestler win." Even if Beth Phoenix kicks the shit out of her ribs and breaks them. Also, who told Kelly Kelly she was allowed to counter the Glam Slam? Nobody counters the Glam Slam!!
5. The Undertaker v. Triple H (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): 5 out of 5. Now THIS is where the show really starts. It was almost torture, being sandwiched inside a booth during this match. If I'm at home, and it's WrestleMania, and the Undertaker is on, I inevitably end up on the floor, curled up in a ball, tearing my hair out from all the suspense. Last year's match didn't deliver that experience nearly as well as usual, and I'm left wondering if that's the real reason Undertaker wanted a rematch. Because last year's match didn't live up to his standard of what a WrestleMania match should be. This year, oh boy, did they make up for it. It was every bit what it should have been, and the Undertaker's streak remains untarnished.
6. Team Johnny v. Team Teddy (Winning GM is GM of both shows): 4 out of 5. Twelve wrestlers, two General Managers, five ladies, and a leprechaun walk into WrestleMania. A new ref with stupid hair has a hard time keeping things in order. Dolph Ziggler sells like only he can, and the Miz delivers a Skull-Crushing Finale to Zack Ryder after a distraction from Eve. After a brief in-ring celebration by Team Johnny, Zack pushes Eve away while the rest of Team Teddy looks like a gang bang might begin any second. And then Eve kicked Zack in the jewels, and walked away like, "Well, what did you expect from a hoeski?" But the REALLY good news here? Johnny will give Daniel Bryan a rematch in a heartbeat. He clearly wasn't ready.
7. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): 5 out of 5. Mehe thinks that this doesn't deserve a 5 because Undertaker/HHH was SO over-the-top incredible. But that's just it. Freaking everything is going to pale in comparison to the Undertaker keeping up his streak in this show. Jericho and Punk, knowing they would be overshadowed by the one match yet to come, put on the match of their lives, from the opening mat-wrestling, to Jericho yelling "Hey Punk! Your father!" (along with other members of his family), to the trading-off of trademark submission holds. I was happy to see Punk retain here, and I'm very much looking forward to how this translates into post-Mania aftermath.
8. The Rock v. John Cena: 4 out of 5. The night ended with even more surprises, and this time, pleasant ones. The Rock surprised everyone, including John Cena, when he Brought It For Real. Turns out these guys actually did know how important this match needed to be after all the build-up and hype over the last year. Even more surprising was the finish. Being widely-viewed as another "passing the torch" match, I fully expected Cena to take that torch from Rock. As it is, Rock served to prove two things. First, the smarks are right and the Attitude Era was better than the current product. Second, that John Cena is not invincible. Even Superman has been killed. Every superhero has a weakness, and this puncture in Cena's shell, if handled properly by the creative team, is a great opportunity to give the guy some humility and some character that could save him for the older audience. Maybe.
In other news, Brodus Clay called his mama, and then his mama's big butt came out and danced along with about 30 other dancers dressed exactly the same. And Captain Keith Colburn of the Wizard from "Deadliest Catch" fame ate crab with The Cobra and Mr. Socko.
The next pay-per-view is Extreme Rules. Stay tuned to Girls Watch Wrestling for the updates!
1. Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Championship): 0 out of 5. The show looked to be starting off on a high note when Sheamus' music hit. We're starting with the World Heavyweight match? Yes! Yes! Yes! Unfortunately, our hopes were smashed in three seconds when the entire match consisted of Sheamus kicking Bryan in the head and winning the title. We all felt that this booking shit all over the title, and more to the point as Mike pointed out, it shit all over Big Show and Mark Henry, who Daniel Bryan has overcome on multiple occasions. I've seen an argument out there that this finish has good potential for building a real feud between these two men. I like the idea, but I feel like that's thinking too creatively.
2. Kane v. Randy Orton: 3 out of 5. Huh. Kane actually won this match. I'm happy for him, but I just don't feel any excitement from here. The match itself was very good. It just didn't mean anything. Hopefully there's a real build after this that leads into Extreme Rules.
3. Big Show v. Cody Rhodes (Intercontinental Championship): 3 out of 5. My losing streak continued here when Big Show captured a Grand Slam and became Intercontinental Champion. The match was as good as a Big Show match tends to be, but there was a lot of room for it to have been better. Big Show dominated Cody for most of the match, and when Cody did get in offense, it was fierce. I just wanted to see more of it. I wanted to see Big Show work harder for his victory here.
4. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos v. Eve & Beth Phoenix: 3 out of 5. Even the Divas went all out for their match with this year's "celebrity" guest star. The unfortunate girl made the rookie mistake of wearing white pants, and as a consequence, spent most of the match with Eve's fake tan smeared on her ass. And what the hell was Beth Phoenix wearing on her head? I'm a little annoyed that this was one of the two predictions I got right, but I think there's a rule carved in stone somewhere about celebrities that actually take part in a match. "And thou shalt let the non-wrestler win." Even if Beth Phoenix kicks the shit out of her ribs and breaks them. Also, who told Kelly Kelly she was allowed to counter the Glam Slam? Nobody counters the Glam Slam!!
5. The Undertaker v. Triple H (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): 5 out of 5. Now THIS is where the show really starts. It was almost torture, being sandwiched inside a booth during this match. If I'm at home, and it's WrestleMania, and the Undertaker is on, I inevitably end up on the floor, curled up in a ball, tearing my hair out from all the suspense. Last year's match didn't deliver that experience nearly as well as usual, and I'm left wondering if that's the real reason Undertaker wanted a rematch. Because last year's match didn't live up to his standard of what a WrestleMania match should be. This year, oh boy, did they make up for it. It was every bit what it should have been, and the Undertaker's streak remains untarnished.
6. Team Johnny v. Team Teddy (Winning GM is GM of both shows): 4 out of 5. Twelve wrestlers, two General Managers, five ladies, and a leprechaun walk into WrestleMania. A new ref with stupid hair has a hard time keeping things in order. Dolph Ziggler sells like only he can, and the Miz delivers a Skull-Crushing Finale to Zack Ryder after a distraction from Eve. After a brief in-ring celebration by Team Johnny, Zack pushes Eve away while the rest of Team Teddy looks like a gang bang might begin any second. And then Eve kicked Zack in the jewels, and walked away like, "Well, what did you expect from a hoeski?" But the REALLY good news here? Johnny will give Daniel Bryan a rematch in a heartbeat. He clearly wasn't ready.
7. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): 5 out of 5. Mehe thinks that this doesn't deserve a 5 because Undertaker/HHH was SO over-the-top incredible. But that's just it. Freaking everything is going to pale in comparison to the Undertaker keeping up his streak in this show. Jericho and Punk, knowing they would be overshadowed by the one match yet to come, put on the match of their lives, from the opening mat-wrestling, to Jericho yelling "Hey Punk! Your father!" (along with other members of his family), to the trading-off of trademark submission holds. I was happy to see Punk retain here, and I'm very much looking forward to how this translates into post-Mania aftermath.
8. The Rock v. John Cena: 4 out of 5. The night ended with even more surprises, and this time, pleasant ones. The Rock surprised everyone, including John Cena, when he Brought It For Real. Turns out these guys actually did know how important this match needed to be after all the build-up and hype over the last year. Even more surprising was the finish. Being widely-viewed as another "passing the torch" match, I fully expected Cena to take that torch from Rock. As it is, Rock served to prove two things. First, the smarks are right and the Attitude Era was better than the current product. Second, that John Cena is not invincible. Even Superman has been killed. Every superhero has a weakness, and this puncture in Cena's shell, if handled properly by the creative team, is a great opportunity to give the guy some humility and some character that could save him for the older audience. Maybe.
In other news, Brodus Clay called his mama, and then his mama's big butt came out and danced along with about 30 other dancers dressed exactly the same. And Captain Keith Colburn of the Wizard from "Deadliest Catch" fame ate crab with The Cobra and Mr. Socko.
The next pay-per-view is Extreme Rules. Stay tuned to Girls Watch Wrestling for the updates!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
WrestleMania XXVIII preview!
Oh, were you expecting Smackdown? Well, here's the thing. There were two matches (Zack Ryder v. Drew McIntyre and Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston), and if you didn't know who was going to win the second the competitors came to the ring, you probably still think it's unscripted. The rest of the show was video promos for WrestleMania. As a point of reference, go back and look at the Impact before Victory Road, and you'll have what I want to see on the last television show before any pay-per-view, especially a big one. Look at Smackdown on Friday, and you'll have what I don't want to see.
Despite the disappointment in the television product lately, we here at Girls Watch Wrestling are actually ridiculously excited for tonight. The Buffalo Wild Wings in our town is showing WrestleMania (apparently, there's been a lot of interest, so starting with tonight, they'll be showing all the pay-per-views. Yay!), so we're going to go see if we can't connect with other wrestling fans and just generally have a good time. Before it's time to go, let's preview and try to predict the matches. Being the biggest show of the year, I don't expect to do well with my predictions, but I am going to try my best.
0. Primo & Epico v. The Usos v. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel (dark match for the Tag Team Championship): It's incredible that they're trying to get the Tag Team Champions into anything these days, even WrestleMania. I suppose a Dark Match is better than nothing. The website made a big deal about Kidd & Gabriel deciding to make their own tag team, so I hope this will lead to a rivalry between them and the Colons. I don't, however, expect the titles to change hands tonight. Ali's Pick: Primo & Epico
1. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): This has been the best-built rivalry of the entire card, and it's a shame it's being buried underneath Trips/Taker III and Cena/Rock. It started out about who has the right to call themselves the Best, and it's evolved into a very personal story in the last few weeks since Jericho has been doing what he does best and getting inside his opponent's head. It remains to be seen if this will backfire on Jericho, but Punk is more fired up than ever, and it could be his downfall. Ali's Pick: Chris Jericho
2. Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus (World Heavyweight Championship): It's nice to see a match here that is essentially being built on the chase for the belt, rather than really being about having personal issues. Sure, both of these guys have done their share of trash-talking the other, but that's what you do. Bottom line, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble, he chose the World Heavyweight Championship as the title he wanted to challenge for at WrestleMania, and the rest is just hype. I like the inclusion of AJ in this story. She adds an interesting dynamic that could just tip the scales. At least I hope. Anyway, Daniel Bryan vowed to win at WrestleMania all the way back at Money in the Bank. Ali's Pick: Daniel Bryan
3. Cody Rhodes v. The Big Show (Intercontinental Championship): While it's been fun to watch Cody Rhodes be so damned entertaining, showing up every week to remind Big Show that he's essentially the WrestleMania antithesis of the Undertaker, I'm actually not as excited for this match as I'd like to be. I've been trying to get pumped up for it, because it's Cody Rhodes, and it's the Intercontinental Championship, and dammit, that MEANS something. Cody knows it better than anybody else, certainly more than Big Show. I'm worried for this, but if anyone can make putting a big guy down look believable, it's Cody, and I have a lot of faith (maybe more than I should) that he will pull it off. Ali's Pick: Cody Rhodes
4. Triple H v. The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): Although the 'E would like us to forget that this is the third, and not the second time that these two have squared off on the grandest stage of them all, Hell in a Cell makes this feel like a crescendo for both their in-ring careers. It does nobody any good to end the streak here. Fair warning, though, Mehe is a life-long Undertaker fan, and if WWE does do the stupid thing, she's probably going to have quite a bit to say. I always hate predicting Taker's Mania matches, but hey. 20 is a nice round number, isn't it? Ali's Pick: Undertaker
5. The Rock v. John Cena: Girls Watch Wrestling is on Team Honey Badger for this one, because we don't give a fuck. The company really shot themselves in the foot by booking this so far in advance. At this point, I'm just tired of having the Rock shoved down my throat and not seeing him DO anything but make "your mom" jokes and say "You have a vagina!" but without being that forward or cool. Passing the torch of the company apparently is a big deal. I'm not sure why. Of course John Cena is the face of the company now. That's... obvious. Rock has had his day, and this match is just redundant, really. Ali's Pick: John Cena
6. Randy Orton v. Kane: And here we have the worst-built feud of the card. Does it matter who wins this match? Really? Is anybody super emotionally invested in the "story" here? These guys are fighting because one time, Kane shook Randy Orton's hand. I mean, yeah, I get it, I guess. These are just two guys that are too big to not be on the card, and they have nothing else going on, so they threw something together real fast. Oh, and the worst part is that re-masked Kane isn't actually all that much better than bald, un-masked Kane as far as his ring record goes. Doesn't anybody know how to make a monster anymore? Ali's Pick: Randy Orton
7. Eve & Beth Phoenix v. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos: Actually, I lied. THIS is the worst-built feud on the card. I think they're fighting because Eve & Beth didn't get invited to be on Extra!? I'm not excited that this is what our women's champion has to do for WrestleMania, rather than, you know, building a feud with somebody, ANYBODY, and actually DEFENDING her title. My only hope is for post-match Kharma destruction of Beth Phoenix, that leads eventually into a feud with Natalya by way of "You brought this on yourself, you know" after Beth drops the title. Either that, or a Layla run-in. I would mark hard for that. Ali's Pick: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos.
8. Team Teddy v. Team Johnny (winning GM becomes GM for both shows): I've already expressed my feelings about these teams before. What I haven't talked about are my feelings about the GMs themselves, which lends itself just as much to my allegiance in this match as the teams. Here's the thing: Yeah, Johnny's a screw-up. We all know that. We've KNOWN that. We've known that since at least the Shoot Heard Round the World this summer, when I'm sure I wasn't the only person going, "John Laurinaitis? Who is that? And how do you spell it?" That's who he is. It's part of his character. His verbal stumbles are entertaining. And maybe it's just that we've gotten used to them since he's been on live TV. Every time Teddy is on live television, he stumbles over his words too, but I always end up feeling like, "OMG no wonder you're on the pre-taped show. I wonder how much tape they have to use up to get a usable clip." But here's the real kicker. Teddy's the one who's acting like a heel here. Whenever he and Johnny get face to face, Johnny is very up-front. Teddy pokes him, he removes his jacket and says "COME AT ME BRO!" Whereas Teddy is a sneaky little coward. Seriously, when's the last time you actually saw someone push a guy over another guy? Ever? Have you ever seen that gag and it's not in a cartoon? And then the follow-up to his sneak attacks is always to run away to the top of the ramp and do his stupid little dance that I have come to hate SO MUCH MORE THAN EVEN ROSA'S. So, you can see why I'm so far over the fence on this one. Ali's Pick: Team Johnny.
Despite the disappointment in the television product lately, we here at Girls Watch Wrestling are actually ridiculously excited for tonight. The Buffalo Wild Wings in our town is showing WrestleMania (apparently, there's been a lot of interest, so starting with tonight, they'll be showing all the pay-per-views. Yay!), so we're going to go see if we can't connect with other wrestling fans and just generally have a good time. Before it's time to go, let's preview and try to predict the matches. Being the biggest show of the year, I don't expect to do well with my predictions, but I am going to try my best.
0. Primo & Epico v. The Usos v. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel (dark match for the Tag Team Championship): It's incredible that they're trying to get the Tag Team Champions into anything these days, even WrestleMania. I suppose a Dark Match is better than nothing. The website made a big deal about Kidd & Gabriel deciding to make their own tag team, so I hope this will lead to a rivalry between them and the Colons. I don't, however, expect the titles to change hands tonight. Ali's Pick: Primo & Epico
1. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): This has been the best-built rivalry of the entire card, and it's a shame it's being buried underneath Trips/Taker III and Cena/Rock. It started out about who has the right to call themselves the Best, and it's evolved into a very personal story in the last few weeks since Jericho has been doing what he does best and getting inside his opponent's head. It remains to be seen if this will backfire on Jericho, but Punk is more fired up than ever, and it could be his downfall. Ali's Pick: Chris Jericho
2. Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus (World Heavyweight Championship): It's nice to see a match here that is essentially being built on the chase for the belt, rather than really being about having personal issues. Sure, both of these guys have done their share of trash-talking the other, but that's what you do. Bottom line, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble, he chose the World Heavyweight Championship as the title he wanted to challenge for at WrestleMania, and the rest is just hype. I like the inclusion of AJ in this story. She adds an interesting dynamic that could just tip the scales. At least I hope. Anyway, Daniel Bryan vowed to win at WrestleMania all the way back at Money in the Bank. Ali's Pick: Daniel Bryan
3. Cody Rhodes v. The Big Show (Intercontinental Championship): While it's been fun to watch Cody Rhodes be so damned entertaining, showing up every week to remind Big Show that he's essentially the WrestleMania antithesis of the Undertaker, I'm actually not as excited for this match as I'd like to be. I've been trying to get pumped up for it, because it's Cody Rhodes, and it's the Intercontinental Championship, and dammit, that MEANS something. Cody knows it better than anybody else, certainly more than Big Show. I'm worried for this, but if anyone can make putting a big guy down look believable, it's Cody, and I have a lot of faith (maybe more than I should) that he will pull it off. Ali's Pick: Cody Rhodes
4. Triple H v. The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): Although the 'E would like us to forget that this is the third, and not the second time that these two have squared off on the grandest stage of them all, Hell in a Cell makes this feel like a crescendo for both their in-ring careers. It does nobody any good to end the streak here. Fair warning, though, Mehe is a life-long Undertaker fan, and if WWE does do the stupid thing, she's probably going to have quite a bit to say. I always hate predicting Taker's Mania matches, but hey. 20 is a nice round number, isn't it? Ali's Pick: Undertaker
5. The Rock v. John Cena: Girls Watch Wrestling is on Team Honey Badger for this one, because we don't give a fuck. The company really shot themselves in the foot by booking this so far in advance. At this point, I'm just tired of having the Rock shoved down my throat and not seeing him DO anything but make "your mom" jokes and say "You have a vagina!" but without being that forward or cool. Passing the torch of the company apparently is a big deal. I'm not sure why. Of course John Cena is the face of the company now. That's... obvious. Rock has had his day, and this match is just redundant, really. Ali's Pick: John Cena
6. Randy Orton v. Kane: And here we have the worst-built feud of the card. Does it matter who wins this match? Really? Is anybody super emotionally invested in the "story" here? These guys are fighting because one time, Kane shook Randy Orton's hand. I mean, yeah, I get it, I guess. These are just two guys that are too big to not be on the card, and they have nothing else going on, so they threw something together real fast. Oh, and the worst part is that re-masked Kane isn't actually all that much better than bald, un-masked Kane as far as his ring record goes. Doesn't anybody know how to make a monster anymore? Ali's Pick: Randy Orton
7. Eve & Beth Phoenix v. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos: Actually, I lied. THIS is the worst-built feud on the card. I think they're fighting because Eve & Beth didn't get invited to be on Extra!? I'm not excited that this is what our women's champion has to do for WrestleMania, rather than, you know, building a feud with somebody, ANYBODY, and actually DEFENDING her title. My only hope is for post-match Kharma destruction of Beth Phoenix, that leads eventually into a feud with Natalya by way of "You brought this on yourself, you know" after Beth drops the title. Either that, or a Layla run-in. I would mark hard for that. Ali's Pick: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos.
8. Team Teddy v. Team Johnny (winning GM becomes GM for both shows): I've already expressed my feelings about these teams before. What I haven't talked about are my feelings about the GMs themselves, which lends itself just as much to my allegiance in this match as the teams. Here's the thing: Yeah, Johnny's a screw-up. We all know that. We've KNOWN that. We've known that since at least the Shoot Heard Round the World this summer, when I'm sure I wasn't the only person going, "John Laurinaitis? Who is that? And how do you spell it?" That's who he is. It's part of his character. His verbal stumbles are entertaining. And maybe it's just that we've gotten used to them since he's been on live TV. Every time Teddy is on live television, he stumbles over his words too, but I always end up feeling like, "OMG no wonder you're on the pre-taped show. I wonder how much tape they have to use up to get a usable clip." But here's the real kicker. Teddy's the one who's acting like a heel here. Whenever he and Johnny get face to face, Johnny is very up-front. Teddy pokes him, he removes his jacket and says "COME AT ME BRO!" Whereas Teddy is a sneaky little coward. Seriously, when's the last time you actually saw someone push a guy over another guy? Ever? Have you ever seen that gag and it's not in a cartoon? And then the follow-up to his sneak attacks is always to run away to the top of the ramp and do his stupid little dance that I have come to hate SO MUCH MORE THAN EVEN ROSA'S. So, you can see why I'm so far over the fence on this one. Ali's Pick: Team Johnny.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Impact 3-29-12
1. Madison Rayne v. Velvet Skye - 3 out of 5
2. Matt Morgan v. Crimson - 2 out of 5
3. Jeff Hardy v. Ken Anderson - 2 out of 5
4. Bully Ray & Bobby Roode v. James Storm & Austin Aries - 4 out of 5
As you can see from the short list, it was a light wrestling night on TNA. There's a lot of story building to do at this point between pay-per-views, and of course we had to deal with the whole, "Is Hogan GM of Impact?" thing.
I think the bottom of the story-telling ladder, really, would have to be Matt Morgan and Crimson. The match was announced, later there was a video package detailing their journey, and then their introductions were interrupted by Austin Aries before they were allowed to put on another terrible match. It started during the commercial (because they couldn't wait to get their hands on each other), and it ended in a double count-out (because they couldn't stop putting their hands on each other). Christy Hemme announced, "There is no winner" and that was more accurate than she realized.
Next we have Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy. Kurt Angle cut a promo backstage saying that hell, no he wasn't going to give Jeff Hardy a rematch at Lockdown, because Jeff Hardy was a crybaby. Then he turned around and said that if Hardy beat Mr. Anderson tonight, he would face him at Lockdown. I missed the beginning of this match, but it was another low point on the card, which ended in Kurt Angle sneaking in and incapacitating Hardy so that Anderson could pick up the win. I don't know if there's anything they can do to save this angle for me, but if there is, they need to do it, like, yesterday.
ODB and Eric Young saw a wedding planner, briefly, until ODB kicked her out. She's decided that their wedding is going to be inside a steel cage. I am A-OK with that.
Eric Bischoff called his son into the ring for one final challenge. Turns out that final challenge is to face off against Gunner in a steel cage at Lockdown... unless of course, Garrett would like to just go ahead and walk away now. Screw you, dad. I hate you.
Madison Rayne and Gail Kim made up backstage, Madison got a new crown to wear, and then Velvet Sky beat her in their match. Afterwards, she put Gail and the rest of the Knockouts on alert that she's got her eye squarely on that title, and she's not going to rest till she gets it. The acting could have used a little work, but Velvet was fucking fired up, which is nice to see.
The show started with a talking segment from Bobby Roode that ended with first James Storm and then Bully Ray showing up, and James Storm challenging them to a handicap match. Bully and Bobby of course felt that they could take him, so they accepted. Remember how I said Aries interrupted the introductions for the Crimson/Morgan match? He did that to let Bully Ray know that they now have a problem, and to proposition James Storm into letting him be his tag team partner. Yeah, it looks like Aries just turned face. During the main event tag team match, Aries was awesome, and the fight looked to be more or less even (with Aries more than making up with speed what he lacks in size). Bobby Roode was going to spit some beer into Storm's face, but missed and hit Bully instead, and then PUSHED Bully into Storm's superkick. I am very okay with A Double being in my main event. If this was a test from management, I think he passed it with flying colors. More Aries on my television can only be a good thing.
And then... Hogan. We saw a pre-taped video of Dixie begging Hogan to accept the job, and Hogan being very hesitant. Hogan apparently felt he was done with wrestling (yeah, right). At the end of the night, Dixie demanded an answer from Hogan in the ring. Hogan still tried to say no, until Sting showed up with half the locker room, and told him it was his destiny. Hogan finally accepted after confirming that Sting is his BFF. You know what? I'm not gonna hate on it yet. Yeah, I know we're all sick of Hogan and all his drama and bullshit. But you know he's gonna be around forever. If he's gonna be around, I'd rather see him as a personal manager to one or more of the wrestlers. But General Manager of the show, I think I'm going to give a chance. Even though it makes no sense. Even though Hogan can never, ever, ever be fully trusted again. Even though this is probably going to end badly eventually. I want to give it a shot, on the off-chance that this is Hogan's way of saving the tail-end of his career, because he knows his television days could be numbered.
2. Matt Morgan v. Crimson - 2 out of 5
3. Jeff Hardy v. Ken Anderson - 2 out of 5
4. Bully Ray & Bobby Roode v. James Storm & Austin Aries - 4 out of 5
As you can see from the short list, it was a light wrestling night on TNA. There's a lot of story building to do at this point between pay-per-views, and of course we had to deal with the whole, "Is Hogan GM of Impact?" thing.
I think the bottom of the story-telling ladder, really, would have to be Matt Morgan and Crimson. The match was announced, later there was a video package detailing their journey, and then their introductions were interrupted by Austin Aries before they were allowed to put on another terrible match. It started during the commercial (because they couldn't wait to get their hands on each other), and it ended in a double count-out (because they couldn't stop putting their hands on each other). Christy Hemme announced, "There is no winner" and that was more accurate than she realized.
Next we have Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy. Kurt Angle cut a promo backstage saying that hell, no he wasn't going to give Jeff Hardy a rematch at Lockdown, because Jeff Hardy was a crybaby. Then he turned around and said that if Hardy beat Mr. Anderson tonight, he would face him at Lockdown. I missed the beginning of this match, but it was another low point on the card, which ended in Kurt Angle sneaking in and incapacitating Hardy so that Anderson could pick up the win. I don't know if there's anything they can do to save this angle for me, but if there is, they need to do it, like, yesterday.
ODB and Eric Young saw a wedding planner, briefly, until ODB kicked her out. She's decided that their wedding is going to be inside a steel cage. I am A-OK with that.
Eric Bischoff called his son into the ring for one final challenge. Turns out that final challenge is to face off against Gunner in a steel cage at Lockdown... unless of course, Garrett would like to just go ahead and walk away now. Screw you, dad. I hate you.
Madison Rayne and Gail Kim made up backstage, Madison got a new crown to wear, and then Velvet Sky beat her in their match. Afterwards, she put Gail and the rest of the Knockouts on alert that she's got her eye squarely on that title, and she's not going to rest till she gets it. The acting could have used a little work, but Velvet was fucking fired up, which is nice to see.
The show started with a talking segment from Bobby Roode that ended with first James Storm and then Bully Ray showing up, and James Storm challenging them to a handicap match. Bully and Bobby of course felt that they could take him, so they accepted. Remember how I said Aries interrupted the introductions for the Crimson/Morgan match? He did that to let Bully Ray know that they now have a problem, and to proposition James Storm into letting him be his tag team partner. Yeah, it looks like Aries just turned face. During the main event tag team match, Aries was awesome, and the fight looked to be more or less even (with Aries more than making up with speed what he lacks in size). Bobby Roode was going to spit some beer into Storm's face, but missed and hit Bully instead, and then PUSHED Bully into Storm's superkick. I am very okay with A Double being in my main event. If this was a test from management, I think he passed it with flying colors. More Aries on my television can only be a good thing.
And then... Hogan. We saw a pre-taped video of Dixie begging Hogan to accept the job, and Hogan being very hesitant. Hogan apparently felt he was done with wrestling (yeah, right). At the end of the night, Dixie demanded an answer from Hogan in the ring. Hogan still tried to say no, until Sting showed up with half the locker room, and told him it was his destiny. Hogan finally accepted after confirming that Sting is his BFF. You know what? I'm not gonna hate on it yet. Yeah, I know we're all sick of Hogan and all his drama and bullshit. But you know he's gonna be around forever. If he's gonna be around, I'd rather see him as a personal manager to one or more of the wrestlers. But General Manager of the show, I think I'm going to give a chance. Even though it makes no sense. Even though Hogan can never, ever, ever be fully trusted again. Even though this is probably going to end badly eventually. I want to give it a shot, on the off-chance that this is Hogan's way of saving the tail-end of his career, because he knows his television days could be numbered.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Raw 3-26-12
1. Daniel Bryan & Kane v. Sheamus & Randy Orton - 3 out of 5
2. Santino Marella v. David Otunga - 2 out of 5
3. Kelly Kelly v. Eve - 2 out of 5
4. CM Punk v. Christian - N/A
5. Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins - 3 out of 5
6. Big Show v. Primo - 1 out of 5
7. Mark Henry v. The Great Khali - 2 out of 5
Unfortunately, Raw did not deliver quite as well as Smackdown did. There were some really great points, however. CM Punk completely losing his shit comes to mind. But a lot of the show was stuff I could have done without seeing.
I get the WrestleMania preview matches. I get it, I do. And I would complain about the Team Teddy/Team Johnny matches being uneven, except the whole damn match is uneven. Teddy has chosen a team of fucking comedians, while Johnny has systematically assembled a goddamn wrecking crew. It's like if you advertised a war between Sith and Jedi, and then instead of Jedi, you just sent in a group of Gungans, and then Watto comes buzzing in behind them with a flag that says, "WEESA NO LIKE YOU". They keep impressing on us that Johnny has four former world champions on their team. Now that Teddy has picked up Booker T, he has two. Let's face it, the guy has picked his team on the basis of who can make funnier backstage segments. Would anyone in their right mind ever really pick Khali? The man is the World's Largest Jobber, and he gets in on the merit of being able to wear a head band and say, "Woo woo woo, you know it." And he's one of the former champions. Shame.
I was gonna say more about the GMs, but I'm gonna save it for my WrestleMania Preview post in a couple of days.
Moving on, the Divas gave us a preview match as well. Eve, from what we get to see, seems to have actually improved a bit in the ring. Maybe it's just her heel turn giving us a more aggressive, bitchy Eve. But it made Kelly look just that much worse. Eve did what would have been a beautiful moonsault off the top rope (not that horrendous "pop-pop" standing one she did as a face, thank goodness), and used almost an entire five-count choking Kelly. Kelly gave us the same old contributions we don't want to see anymore, and... was she actually yelling, "Boom! Boom!" while hitting Eve in the corner? The highlight of this match was Beth Phoenix yelling at Kelly in the middle of the match, "Apologize to her!" for starting a Hoeski chant before the girls locked up.
Show v. Primo was pointless, other than to remind us that there are still tag team belts (but nobody knows why), and to give Rosa Mendes a chance to continue to dance badly. Oh, yeah, and Big Show has a match at WrestleMania against Cody Rhodes. If he wants to warm up for that match, he could do batter than beating up on poor defenseless Primo, surely.
WWE played the cruelest trick on us yet this week, by announcing a match between CM Punk and Christian. I'm sure we all went, "Oooh!" when we heard that. It's not the same tired stuff, they both have matches to get ready for, and they're both top competitors who can put on an excellent match. We should have known it was too good to be true. The match never really happened, though. Chris Jericho came over the Titantron to taunt Punk once again, and when that was over, Punk when apeshit and totally destroyed Christian. Security had to tear him away from the Anaconda Vice he had locked in, and we had to be told, "Hey, Christian just re-injured his neck, so no more WrestleMania for him."
But now we've got Drew Mac on Team Johnny, so that's something, right?
2. Santino Marella v. David Otunga - 2 out of 5
3. Kelly Kelly v. Eve - 2 out of 5
4. CM Punk v. Christian - N/A
5. Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins - 3 out of 5
6. Big Show v. Primo - 1 out of 5
7. Mark Henry v. The Great Khali - 2 out of 5
Unfortunately, Raw did not deliver quite as well as Smackdown did. There were some really great points, however. CM Punk completely losing his shit comes to mind. But a lot of the show was stuff I could have done without seeing.
I get the WrestleMania preview matches. I get it, I do. And I would complain about the Team Teddy/Team Johnny matches being uneven, except the whole damn match is uneven. Teddy has chosen a team of fucking comedians, while Johnny has systematically assembled a goddamn wrecking crew. It's like if you advertised a war between Sith and Jedi, and then instead of Jedi, you just sent in a group of Gungans, and then Watto comes buzzing in behind them with a flag that says, "WEESA NO LIKE YOU". They keep impressing on us that Johnny has four former world champions on their team. Now that Teddy has picked up Booker T, he has two. Let's face it, the guy has picked his team on the basis of who can make funnier backstage segments. Would anyone in their right mind ever really pick Khali? The man is the World's Largest Jobber, and he gets in on the merit of being able to wear a head band and say, "Woo woo woo, you know it." And he's one of the former champions. Shame.
I was gonna say more about the GMs, but I'm gonna save it for my WrestleMania Preview post in a couple of days.
Moving on, the Divas gave us a preview match as well. Eve, from what we get to see, seems to have actually improved a bit in the ring. Maybe it's just her heel turn giving us a more aggressive, bitchy Eve. But it made Kelly look just that much worse. Eve did what would have been a beautiful moonsault off the top rope (not that horrendous "pop-pop" standing one she did as a face, thank goodness), and used almost an entire five-count choking Kelly. Kelly gave us the same old contributions we don't want to see anymore, and... was she actually yelling, "Boom! Boom!" while hitting Eve in the corner? The highlight of this match was Beth Phoenix yelling at Kelly in the middle of the match, "Apologize to her!" for starting a Hoeski chant before the girls locked up.
Show v. Primo was pointless, other than to remind us that there are still tag team belts (but nobody knows why), and to give Rosa Mendes a chance to continue to dance badly. Oh, yeah, and Big Show has a match at WrestleMania against Cody Rhodes. If he wants to warm up for that match, he could do batter than beating up on poor defenseless Primo, surely.
WWE played the cruelest trick on us yet this week, by announcing a match between CM Punk and Christian. I'm sure we all went, "Oooh!" when we heard that. It's not the same tired stuff, they both have matches to get ready for, and they're both top competitors who can put on an excellent match. We should have known it was too good to be true. The match never really happened, though. Chris Jericho came over the Titantron to taunt Punk once again, and when that was over, Punk when apeshit and totally destroyed Christian. Security had to tear him away from the Anaconda Vice he had locked in, and we had to be told, "Hey, Christian just re-injured his neck, so no more WrestleMania for him."
But now we've got Drew Mac on Team Johnny, so that's something, right?
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