0. Mexican America v. Ink Inc. (Tag Team Championship): Apparently, this was last night's dark match. Because fuck you, that's why. Seriously, who else but TNA would book a title match on the weekly program and then run it prior to the broadcast portion of the pay-per-view?
1. Austin Aries v. Brian Kendrick (X-Division Championship): 3 out of 5. Austin Aries retained, which is fine with me. He can continue to act like a rock star and be entertaining as hell.
2. Rob Van Dam v. Jerry Lynn (Full Metal Mayhem): 3 out of 5. This should have been a 4, but the unpredictability of the props forced a few too many botches and brought it down a bit. It's not a TLC match because literally anything metal was allowed as a weapon. A guard rail was brought into the ring about halfway through. The long history between these competitors meant a lot of back-and-forth countering to begin the match, but RVD finally pulled out the victory at the end after nearly decapitating Lynn with a ladder in the corner.
3. Crimson v. Matt Morgan v. Samoa Joe: 2 out of 5. Joe had the idea that he might divide and conquer with these two, but it didn't work. Not only was the result predictable (Crimson pinned Joe), it didn't even make sense. Morgan hit Joe with his finisher only to curl up in the corner, and the pin happened about 10 seconds later, with Morgan only feet away nursing his leg. To be honest, the whole premise for this match didn't work. Last Thursday, Joe accused his opponents of being scared of him because he's the "alpha male". He talks like a monster heel, but a monster heel gimmick only works if you, I don't know, WIN a few matches?? Joe has had about one win in the last six months.
4. Mr. Anderson v. Bully Ray (Philadelphia Street Fight, "rape"): 2 out of 5. Prior to the match Bully Ray cut a promo about raping the people of Philly. Emotionally, I suppose, but he entered the interview area with the rape face and never took it off. I had to give this a 2, because I had to look up the ending to even remember how it ended. The only thing I clearly remember is the microphone spot, where Bully Ray used Anderson's mic to announce himself mid-match, and then Anderson took the mic and hit Bully Ray with it. Probably less fun than it should have been.
5. Winter v. Velvet Skye v. Mickie James v. Madison Rayne (Knockouts Championship, Karen Jarret special guest referee): 3 out of 5. This would would have been a 4, if not a 5, if it weren't for the inclusion of Karen Jarret, who is a Bitch. The match finally ended when Winter's mist misfired into Jarret's face, and Traci Brooks ran out to take over referee duty. Velvet Skye as new Knockouts champion? I am okay with this.
6. A.J. Styles v. Christopher Daniels (I Quit match, "murder"): 4 out of 5. When I say murder, I mean Christopher Daniels was literally trying to kill A.J. Styles in the ring. To the point that he even told Styles' wife to take his kids out of the room so that they would have to watch their father be murdered in cold blood. A.J. eventually got the upper hand, though, and grabbed the screwdriver that Daniels had been trying to stab him with. Daniels pussied out in about 2 seconds flat and said I Quit. Afterwards, he ambushed Styles from the backstage area as the winner was slowly making his exit and exclaimed that Styles never beat him.
7. Sting v. Hulk Hogan ("child abuse"): 3 out of 5. I know, I know, it's higher than I expected to give this match. But Hogan did a lot more than I expected, and even ended up taking a couple of bumps, as well as bleeding for his art. Earlier in the night it had been established that referee Jackson James is Eric Bischoff's son, and was expected by his father to make sure that Sting lost the match. However, when Sting caught Hogan in a submission, the Hulkster was forced to tap out, and after hesitation and some pleading with the legend, the kid had no choice but to ring the bell. Immortal came to the ring to take out their frustrations, of course, and Bischoff beat up his son (hence, "child abuse"). The real kicker here, though, is that Sting actually started to plead with Hogan to help him. The crowd seemed into this idea and chanted Hogan's name. Now Hogan's a face. *headdesk*
8. Bobby Roode v. Kurt Angle (Heavyweight Championship): 3 out of 5. Well, here we are. Roode beat down 11 other contenders for the right to challenge for the title, and then was forced to wrestle against his friends for 3 more weeks. Hogan stated in an interview that he doesn't think Roode is "the guy" and maybe that had something to do with the outcome. Damn you, Hogan. It was a good match anyway, and let's certainly hope that Roode doesn't have to fall back to the back of the line.