SummerSlam 2011: The Greatest Party of the Summer?

Its 6 o'clock EST.  Two hours til showtime!

I'm not excited.

Not at all. Why?

There's just five matches planned, that's why.  I know Jim Ross let slip on his twitter that there might be surprises coming, but let's be honest- this is supposed to be the second biggest pay per view of the year, right behind WrestleMania.  There's talk that Cee Lo Green has ninety minutes set aside for his 'concert'.  That's an hour and a half.  An HOUR AND A HALF.  Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but the majority of fans watch these pay per views for the WRESTLING, not some concert.  Didn't the WWE learn anything from the Kid Rock debacle at WrestleMania 25.  His set went on way too long and completely overshadowed the 25-diva battle royal that followed it.  It was terrible.  I predict nothing less for this 'concert'.

That being said, let's take a look at the card, shall we?

Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett: A go-home addition to the card, this match has promise.  Both Bryan and Barrett are good workers in the ring.  Erm... well, Bryan is a great worker in the ring but for some reason the WWE only wants him to be mediocre at best.  Barrett has shown vast improvement since the Nexus debuted last year.  He is light years ahead of the rest of the former stable, and I truly feel he's gonna be a breakout star in the next year.  One can only hope, at least.  Bryan'll win this one, probably by the skin of his teeth.

Kelly Kelly (the Divas Champion) vs. Beth Phoenix:  I have extremely high hopes for this match.  I want to see Beth wipe the floor with Kelly.  I want to see a strong Diva (I almost typed knockout, ha ha) with the TrampStamp Title.  Beth is by far the best WWE Diva under contract today.  Sorry, Nattie.  She's strong, sexy, talented, and able to use a microphone.  She also does not look like she needs to make a trip to the catering table at least twice a day.  She's a real woman.  And I like that.  I predict Beth wins the match, and begin a new strong Diva era.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry:  Personal bias here.  I want to see Sheamus win this, cause he's dead sexy.  He's got everything going for him, and if by the grace of whomever's watching over me I ever get a chance at him, I'm so taking it.  Besides my personal bias, Smackdown is lacking in a strong babyface character at the moment, and Sheamus can be that man.  He's got everything he needs to do it- mike skills, talent, good looks.  Exceedingly hot good looks.  LET'S GO SHEAMUS.  DO IT FOR IRELAND.  DO IT FOR YOUR FANGIRLS.  (Oh, and if there are any other Sheamus fangirls reading this, let me know.)

Christian (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Randy Orton:  This match could really go either way and the crowd will go home happy.  If Orton wins, the crowd gets their beloved Viper back with gold, if Christian wins, they get to boo the bad guy out of the arena.  I'm a little reticient to make a prediction for this, but I'm gonna go with Christian.

C.M. Punk (WWE Champion) vs. JHERRRRRRNNNNNN CEEEEEENAAAAA (WWE Champion):  YOu know, I'm looking forward to this match most of all.  There's massive momentum heading into this.  C.M. Punk has the disillusioned Voiceless in his corner and his pocket.  He knows that John was right on Monday.  He needs this match.  He needs to win.  Because the typical WWE fan is fickle.  They'll jump right back on the JOHNCENABANDWAGON as soon as John wins a match against Punk.  and Cena?  Cena needs this match, too.  He might already have his WrestleMania 28 opponent inked, but what if his fans turn on him before then?  Who'll care about Cena then?

There's one element in this match that I didn't mention, the special guest referee.  The COO of the WWE, Mr. Haiches (thanks to R-Truth).  Haiches has an agenda here, and anyone who thinks he's not going to pull some hijinks is fooling themselves.  When has a special guest referee ever called a match straight down the middle?  HHH is going to interfere somehow, and when he does, it's going to backfire on him.

The wildcard in this match is John Lauranitis.  He's been punched in the face by Cena and kicked in the head by Punk.  There's no way he's going to sit quietly on the sidelines while this match is contested.  To quote a theme, there's no chance in hell.

I'm giving this match to C.M. Punk.  He's riding so high right now he can't afford to lose.  I don't think he's going to win clean.  I don't think he cares, either.  A win is a win, and no matter what, Punk is a winner.

This is Mehe, signing off for now.