Saturday, May 5, 2012

Week in Wrestling: 4/29-5/4

Hello, boys and girls! I had to take a little break from wrestling, and re-assess the way I do things (again), but I'm back to talk about the major points of each show this week. This week, there's a lot of going back and finding results for various reasons, so I'll just do my best.

Extreme Rules

 1. Closing on Pay-Per-View nights really sucks. I got home just in time to see the end of the show, but Mehe was sending me live updates all night. I wish I'd seen the rest of the show, because what I saw left me fairly disillusioned and severely annoyed. Anyway, the way my schedule is right now, it looks like Pay-per-view notes are going to be vague and based off of second-hand accounts, although I do use the WWE website to refresh my memory on all their events.

 2. The Intercontinental Title is home. The second Mehe texted me that Cody Rhodes and Big Show were having a tables match, I knew the deck was stacked in the favor of The Dashing One. The result was pretty much what I expected in that case, Big Show managed to get knocked off-balance and went through a table by accident. Mike pointed out the beauty of this victory: This was the embarrassing Big Show moment Cody was looking for at WrestleMania. I'm now wondering if the WM victory only served to give Big Show his Grand Slam. The man has been around a long time, and I can't help but begin to wonder if he's thinking about taking a step back for the younger talent to grow and prosper.

 3. The Divas division has potential again. So, Kharma trolled everyone by tweeting that the Bellas were about to get their ass beat. But when it was time for their match, an entirely different Diva returned: Layla!! I was just walking out the door of my job and swore loudly when I got the message that Layla was back. I was expecting her at WrestleMania, and I have been anxiously awaiting her return for some time now. I'm just pissed I missed it. Layla is the example of what a Diva Search should yield. She won, she was trained, and she can perform actual wrestling moves against the other girls. Having the belt around her waist gives the rest of the roster a fighting chance while not making the title look like a TOTAL joke.

 4. John Cena makes no fucking sense. So the ending of the match didn't surprise me the way it did Mehe. Apparently she was legitimately expecting Brock to go over Cena. I wasn't phased in the least by the pinfall. What really got my blood boiling was afterwards, when Cena picked up a mic. Now, normally, I'm actually a defender of his mic work. I'd like to see him step out of the ring and become a manager. He's a good talker, he'd be good at talking up another piece of talent. However, in this case, I was left going, "What the fuck was that shit??" He sounded like he was about to say something controversial... and then proceeded to forget to say anything that would actually make anybody in the office mad enough at him to take him out of action. It amounted to, "I love the fans, I love Chicago. My boss might be mad at me." Um, why, John? For being the perpetual good guy who always wins, and sticks by the fan base no matter what they're yelling at you? Somehow I don't think that promo is going to get any blood boiling upstairs.

  Monday Night Raw

 1. Brock needs a Mouth, and kayfabe doesn't fool Smarks. Good Gods, I hate listening to Brock Lesnar talk. The opening promo was one instance I was actually glad to see Triple H. Brock acted like he deserved the world after Extreme Rules, but Trips was the one who actually reminded him that he LOST HIS MATCH, and that doesn't entitle him to special treatment. Brcck responded the only way he knows how: Physical violence! He broke Triple H's arm! You know it's true, because Jerry Lawler said he heard it snap.

2. Eve is a naughty secretary. WWE Creative is absolutely taking the right direction with Eve as Johnny Ace's Executive Assistant. My favorite part of this new role is the pre-requisite Executive Glasses. It's a small detail, but it makes the whole thing so much more solid for me. I'm not sure that authoritative role would do it for me without the glasses. But with them, it's like magic.

 3. The IWC wets their collective pants. So the big event of the evening was a beat-the-clock challenge to determine the #1 contender for the WWE championship. Miz set the pace, and then Orton beat Miz's time... and then Daniel Bryan went up against Jerry Lawler. Guys, Daniel Bryan is the #1 contender for CM Punk's WWE Championship. I'm not sure any of us are going to know what to do when they actually face each other for the prize. We've seen them in non-title matches on television. It's hard for me to imagine what they will come up with when the title is on the line on pay-per-view. I think we're all pretty damned excited.

 4. WWE no-sells John Cena's nonsense. So far from getting angry with John for... whatever it is John thought he'd be in trouble for, or running with an injury storyline, Eve quickly put Johnny Ace on the task of determining Cena's next opponent. Johnny's solution was simple enough: HE'S Cena's next opponent. I'm wondering now if pay-per-views are like the WWE's version of Zelda dungeons. Cena main evented against Kane first (the first dungeon is always the easiest), then Rock, then Brock Lesnar. I wonder, does that make Laurinaitis Gannondorf? Or will the main event of No Way Out end up being John Cena v. Vince McMahon?

  Impact! Wrestling

 1. You know what? I've got almost nothing. My broadcast died halfway through, and I just gave up trying to watch. Hogan said "brother" and "dude" a lot, this week aimed at Ric Flair (for some reason he thinks Ric flair must be a better judge of talent than he is of character). And RVD cut a promo about being the #1 contender that I couldn't take seriously, or really even comprehend because once he was in the ring I caught a contact high and was ridiculously silly for minutes afterwards. You know what, though? Jeff Hardy still isn't in the top spot for the title, so I'm pretty much okay with anything that happens after that. Also, the only way to get the recap for TNA is through Wrestling With Text. CWMonkey is one funny dude, brother. And he makes the creepiest gifs of Jeff Hardy you will ever see.

Friday Night Smackdown!

 1. Ricardo Rodriguez, professional scene stealer. Ricardo stole the show early on this week. Alberto Del Rio decided to interfere in Sheamus' match with Daniel Bryan, and Ricardo helped by providing the distraction in the form of a cross-body splash from the top rope. No doubt my good friend (affectionately known as "The Nerd") was marking out just as hard as Mehe was. I totally understand the fanbase for this guy. It would be nice to see him break out on his own and show us just how much he can really do.

 2. Damien Sandow finally debuted... sort of. The segment amounted to him taking his thus-far pre-recorded lectures on how uncivilized everyone is and making it a live spot. He was supposed to have a match against Derrick Batemen (who earned an opportunity to compete on Smackdown during the last episode of NXT), but claimed that the audience would gain no enlightenment from such an altercation, and left with a smug "You're Welcome." It was glorious, and it transitioned rather seamlessly into Derrick Bateman demanding the match that he earned, only to be answered, and consequently smashed by Ryberg. Er... Ryback... You know, whatever.

 3. The Executive Transformation continues. Eve started by putting on the glasses. On Friday, she was in a classic black dress suit with white button-down underneath the jacket. This coming up Monday, look for her hair to be in a bun. Seriously. Also in this segment, Teddy Long was forced to rub oil on Antonio Cesario while the up-and-comer bounced his pecs around, which was also pretty funny.

 4. AJ is losing her shit. One thing I didn't mention in the Monday section was how AJ slapped Kaitlyn for telling her that Daniel Bryan was a no-good scoundrel. This week, AJ apologized to Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn totally understood... except that she told AJ she had to stop moping and move on. Maybe it was the use of the words "pity party," or the way Kaitlyn came across with a "get over yourself" kind of tone, but AJ slapped her best friend again, knocking her down this time. I'm really looking forward to the night she completely blows her steam, and truly begins her ascent to the top of the Divas roster.

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