WrestleMania XXVIII preview!

Oh, were you expecting Smackdown? Well, here's the thing. There were two matches (Zack Ryder v. Drew McIntyre and Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston), and if you didn't know who was going to win the second the competitors came to the ring, you probably still think it's unscripted. The rest of the show was video promos for WrestleMania. As a point of reference, go back and look at the Impact before Victory Road, and you'll have what I want to see on the last television show before any pay-per-view, especially a big one. Look at Smackdown on Friday, and you'll have what I don't want to see.

Despite the disappointment in the television product lately, we here at Girls Watch Wrestling are actually ridiculously excited for tonight. The Buffalo Wild Wings in our town is showing WrestleMania (apparently, there's been a lot of interest, so starting with tonight, they'll be showing all the pay-per-views. Yay!), so we're going to go see if we can't connect with other wrestling fans and just generally have a good time. Before it's time to go, let's preview and try to predict the matches. Being the biggest show of the year, I don't expect to do well with my predictions, but I am going to try my best.


0. Primo & Epico v. The Usos v. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel (dark match for the Tag Team Championship): It's incredible that they're trying to get the Tag Team Champions into anything these days, even WrestleMania. I suppose a Dark Match is better than nothing. The website made a big deal about Kidd & Gabriel deciding to make their own tag team, so I hope this will lead to a rivalry between them and the Colons. I don't, however, expect the titles to change hands tonight. Ali's Pick: Primo & Epico

1. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): This has been the best-built rivalry of the entire card, and it's a shame it's being buried underneath Trips/Taker III and Cena/Rock. It started out about who has the right to call themselves the Best, and it's evolved into a very personal story in the last few weeks since Jericho has been doing what he does best and getting inside his opponent's head. It remains to be seen if this will backfire on Jericho, but Punk is more fired up than ever, and it could be his downfall. Ali's Pick: Chris Jericho

2. Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus (World Heavyweight Championship): It's nice to see a match here that is essentially being built on the chase for the belt, rather than really being about having personal issues. Sure, both of these guys have done their share of trash-talking the other, but that's what you do. Bottom line, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble, he chose the World Heavyweight Championship as the title he wanted to challenge for at WrestleMania, and the rest is just hype. I like the inclusion of AJ in this story. She adds an interesting dynamic that could just tip the scales. At least I hope. Anyway, Daniel Bryan vowed to win at WrestleMania all the way back at Money in the Bank. Ali's Pick: Daniel Bryan

3. Cody Rhodes v. The Big Show (Intercontinental Championship): While it's been fun to watch Cody Rhodes be so damned entertaining, showing up every week to remind Big Show that he's essentially the WrestleMania antithesis of the Undertaker, I'm actually not as excited for this match as I'd like to be. I've been trying to get pumped up for it, because it's Cody Rhodes, and it's the Intercontinental Championship, and dammit, that MEANS something. Cody knows it better than anybody else, certainly more than Big Show. I'm worried for this, but if anyone can make putting a big guy down look believable, it's Cody, and I have a lot of faith (maybe more than I should) that he will pull it off. Ali's Pick: Cody Rhodes

4. Triple H v. The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): Although the 'E would like us to forget that this is the third, and not the second time that these two have squared off on the grandest stage of them all, Hell in a Cell makes this feel like a crescendo for both their in-ring careers. It does nobody any good to end the streak here. Fair warning, though, Mehe is a life-long Undertaker fan, and if WWE does do the stupid thing, she's probably going to have quite a bit to say. I always hate predicting Taker's Mania matches, but hey. 20 is a nice round number, isn't it? Ali's Pick: Undertaker

5. The Rock v. John Cena: Girls Watch Wrestling is on Team Honey Badger for this one, because we don't give a fuck. The company really shot themselves in the foot by booking this so far in advance. At this point, I'm just tired of having the Rock shoved down my throat and not seeing him DO anything but make "your mom" jokes and say "You have a vagina!" but without being that forward or cool. Passing the torch of the company apparently is a big deal. I'm not sure why. Of course John Cena is the face of the company now. That's... obvious. Rock has had his day, and this match is just redundant, really. Ali's Pick: John Cena

6. Randy Orton v. Kane: And here we have the worst-built feud of the card. Does it matter who wins this match? Really? Is anybody super emotionally invested in the "story" here? These guys are fighting because one time, Kane shook Randy Orton's hand. I mean, yeah, I get it, I guess. These are just two guys that are too big to not be on the card, and they have nothing else going on, so they threw something together real fast. Oh, and the worst part is that re-masked Kane isn't actually all that much better than bald, un-masked Kane as far as his ring record goes. Doesn't anybody know how to make a monster anymore? Ali's Pick: Randy Orton

7. Eve & Beth Phoenix v. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos: Actually, I lied. THIS is the worst-built feud on the card. I think they're fighting because Eve & Beth didn't get invited to be on Extra!? I'm not excited that this is what our women's champion has to do for WrestleMania, rather than, you know, building a feud with somebody, ANYBODY, and actually DEFENDING her title. My only hope is for post-match Kharma destruction of Beth Phoenix, that leads eventually into a feud with Natalya by way of "You brought this on yourself, you know" after Beth drops the title. Either that, or a Layla run-in. I would mark hard for that. Ali's Pick: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos.

8. Team Teddy v. Team Johnny (winning GM becomes GM for both shows): I've already expressed my feelings about these teams before. What I haven't talked about are my feelings about the GMs themselves, which lends itself just as much to my allegiance in this match as the teams. Here's the thing: Yeah, Johnny's a screw-up. We all know that. We've KNOWN that. We've known that since at least the Shoot Heard Round the World this summer, when I'm sure I wasn't the only person going, "John Laurinaitis? Who is that? And how do you spell it?" That's who he is. It's part of his character. His verbal stumbles are entertaining. And maybe it's just that we've gotten used to them since he's been on live TV. Every time Teddy is on live television, he stumbles over his words too, but I always end up feeling like, "OMG no wonder you're on the pre-taped show. I wonder how much tape they have to use up to get a usable clip." But here's the real kicker. Teddy's the one who's acting like a heel here. Whenever he and Johnny get face to face, Johnny is very up-front. Teddy pokes him, he removes his jacket and says "COME AT ME BRO!" Whereas Teddy is a sneaky little coward. Seriously, when's the last time you actually saw someone push a guy over another guy? Ever? Have you ever seen that gag and it's not in a cartoon? And then the follow-up to his sneak attacks is always to run away to the top of the ramp and do his stupid little dance that I have come to hate SO MUCH MORE THAN EVEN ROSA'S. So, you can see why I'm so far over the fence on this one. Ali's Pick: Team Johnny.