Monday Night Raw
1. Shut Your Whore Mouth, Layla. That's what JBL should have said to the former Diva's champion. But instead, that's what I screamed when I heard Layla trotting out her conspiracy theories. If Eve was involved in Kaitlyn's injury, then she hired someone else to do it. Why is no one mentioning the fact that Eve was talking to the Primetime Players when it happened? But anyway, back to the issue at hand. JBL made quick work of shutting Layla up by basically telling her to quit her bitching and do something about it. Somehow I don't really see Layla following that advice, unfortunately. I so looked forward to her return. And now I just want to stuff something in her mouth every time she speaks.
2. Well, It's a Start. Dolph Ziggler got to have a victory over Sanino, which at this point in time isn't saying a whole heck of a lot. But, Santino was until recently the United States Champion, so I suppose you could use that logic to land on him as the start of Ziggler's winning streak... you know, the one I was just talking about he needed to get him into the right league with that damned briefcase? So, it's a start, and I guess if I really had to get down and analyze it bit by bit, it's probably a good start. This is one case where the Internet Mark Goggles have been on so long it's hard to really tell.
3. And Now I'm at a Loss. I'm not entirely sure which other point I should emphasize here. Kane and Daniel Bryan was, as always, brilliant, but I'll be talking about them extensively for Smackdown. Ryder & Sandow was entertaining, but not exactly hype-worthy. And the main event once again ended in controversy, but I'm already kind of bored with it. Not sure if it was the "Super Main Event" thing we've seen a thousand times, or if the whole Sheamus thing has pissed me off so bad that I can't even enjoy a match that includes him... I dunno. Whatever it is, I'm just done with it.
1. SHAQ: BECAUSE REASONS. So I heard Shaq was gonna be on the show and immediately I was having traumatic flashbacks to that quarterback they had get involved in a grudge with Bully Ray a while back. But the good news for me was that Shaq only showed up in the opening segment, backstage with Hulk Hogan. Which, once the show was over and I realized that was literally the only part he played that night, was pretty pointless. Not only was it pointless, it was fucking creepy! After letting Hulk know he was across the street in case of an emergency (I guess professional athletes just love this shit?), he proceeded to talk directly to the Aces & Eights by way of the camera, and I'm pretty sure that by the time the show proper started, that camera needed rape counselling.
2. Yes, Because Nobody Saw That One Coming. Since both teams earned their right to a rematch last week, there was a #1 contenders match this week between Kurt Angle & AJ Styles and Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez. But before a winner could be declared, Kaz & Daniels showed up to muck up the whole affair and cause the match to end in no contest.... I suppose assuming that if there's no winner, there are no contenders, but that's just crazy talk! This is professional wrestling! Instead, the most insanely predictable thing happened, and Hulk Hogan declared that at Bound for Glory, there will be a Triple Threat Match!!!! Everyone gasp and ooh and ahh appropriately.
3. Ooh, That's Gonna Leave a Lawsuit. We've all been trying to figure out just where the fuck this Aces & Eights thing is going, and me most of all. Quite frankly, it's starting to drive me insane.with all the back and forth going to each others' yards, and Aces & Eights apparent willingness to fight except that they keep scattering after a minute and a half of punching each other in the head. Well, guess what? They finally did something kind of actually menacing.this week: They kidnapped Joseph Parks! And then they hit him in the back of the head with a hammer!! The idea is, of course, that Joseph Parks' investigation into the faction has brought him too close to the truth, and therefore he must be eliminated in order for the group to retain anonymity. Probably this is the gateway to the big reveal that Joseph Parks was really Abyss all along! Which will be bad news for Hogan if the rumors are true and he's the true leader. (Please, Wrestling Gods, don't let that be true)
Friday Night Smackdown
1. The Only Reason to Hate Damien Sandow. Friday night brought nothing but joy this week. Pure, unadulterated, mark joy. But we'll get to all the reasons this show was awesome. This paragraph is about the opening segment. Edge showed up to express his utter confusion over what the hell is going on with Kane and Daniel Bryan. Daniel Bryan showed up to explain that he is in complete control of his emotions. Kane showed up to reiterate that HE, and NOT Daniel Bryan, is the Tag Team Champions. Edge tried to remind Kane what a monster he is by digging up all the horrible things they have done to each other over the years. Kane rectified all those wrongdoings by hugging it out with Edge. Daniel Bryan got upset (jealous, perhaps?) and started throwing a "NO!" fit, and Edge and Kane simultaneously invited him into the hug. I was just about to burst with fangirl giddiness over a group hug between Kane, Bryan, and Edge, but NO. No, I did not get my group hug, because before it could happen, Damien Sandow showed up to mock the trio. And this is the only thing that Damien Sandow has done since he's shown up that I have not absolutely loved. Then again, if they had group hugged, and I had reached max mark level, and THEN Sandow showed up, I'm not sure there's enough Lemon Pledge to clean all the bits of me off the furniture.
2. Jobbers R Us. This is definitely what I am calling the apparent new faction that has formed between Heath Slater, Jinder Majal, and Drew McIntyre. All this needs is a secret leader that turns out to be Trent Barretta. This whole thing started as a match between Heath Slater and Brodus Clay, and ended when Drew Mac and Jinder came out of nowhere to beat the hell out of Brodus. The three looked to be in cahoots, and maybe it's a small little thing, but in this show I feel it's especially in danger of being lost, and needs to be noted in case it actually amounts to something next week.
3. Unity! Okay, now let's talk about why this show was awesome. This show was awesome because it had a focus, and that focus perfectly wove a coherent narrative into a wrestling show. There was a first act, a second act, and a conclusion. There was the introduction of a conflict, escalation, and a resolution. As a theater person, I really appreciated the little play I was treated to. I certainly was not expecting that level of greatness, but I am not complaining. We started the show with Kane v. Damien Sandow, met the halfway point with Daniel Bryan v. Cody Rhodes, and capped the whole thing off with a tag team match. It was a simple, effective progression which was executed amazingly. During the main event, the Usos, the Primetime Players, and the team of Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel were all standing around ringside for observation. I liked that Kofi & R-Truth were not included in this, as they would have only taken the focus away from the true stars of the show. Cody Rhodes ended up getting tired of the match and introduced a chair, and that climaxed into a unity between the tag champs as they played Tag Team Whack-a-Mole to end the show. Ahhh, poetry.