The Girls Watch Wrestling crew enjoyed a good crowd, good wings, and a great show last night for the big event. As expected, my predictions were wildly misguided. My record last night ended up being 3-5 (4-5 if you count the dark match). Despite that, I was incredibly happy with most of the results.
1. Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Championship): 0 out of 5. The show looked to be starting off on a high note when Sheamus' music hit. We're starting with the World Heavyweight match? Yes! Yes! Yes! Unfortunately, our hopes were smashed in three seconds when the entire match consisted of Sheamus kicking Bryan in the head and winning the title. We all felt that this booking shit all over the title, and more to the point as Mike pointed out, it shit all over Big Show and Mark Henry, who Daniel Bryan has overcome on multiple occasions. I've seen an argument out there that this finish has good potential for building a real feud between these two men. I like the idea, but I feel like that's thinking too creatively.
2. Kane v. Randy Orton: 3 out of 5. Huh. Kane actually won this match. I'm happy for him, but I just don't feel any excitement from here. The match itself was very good. It just didn't mean anything. Hopefully there's a real build after this that leads into Extreme Rules.
3. Big Show v. Cody Rhodes (Intercontinental Championship): 3 out of 5. My losing streak continued here when Big Show captured a Grand Slam and became Intercontinental Champion. The match was as good as a Big Show match tends to be, but there was a lot of room for it to have been better. Big Show dominated Cody for most of the match, and when Cody did get in offense, it was fierce. I just wanted to see more of it. I wanted to see Big Show work harder for his victory here.
4. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menudos v. Eve & Beth Phoenix: 3 out of 5. Even the Divas went all out for their match with this year's "celebrity" guest star. The unfortunate girl made the rookie mistake of wearing white pants, and as a consequence, spent most of the match with Eve's fake tan smeared on her ass. And what the hell was Beth Phoenix wearing on her head? I'm a little annoyed that this was one of the two predictions I got right, but I think there's a rule carved in stone somewhere about celebrities that actually take part in a match. "And thou shalt let the non-wrestler win." Even if Beth Phoenix kicks the shit out of her ribs and breaks them. Also, who told Kelly Kelly she was allowed to counter the Glam Slam? Nobody counters the Glam Slam!!
5. The Undertaker v. Triple H (Hell in a Cell, Shawn Michaels special guest referee): 5 out of 5. Now THIS is where the show really starts. It was almost torture, being sandwiched inside a booth during this match. If I'm at home, and it's WrestleMania, and the Undertaker is on, I inevitably end up on the floor, curled up in a ball, tearing my hair out from all the suspense. Last year's match didn't deliver that experience nearly as well as usual, and I'm left wondering if that's the real reason Undertaker wanted a rematch. Because last year's match didn't live up to his standard of what a WrestleMania match should be. This year, oh boy, did they make up for it. It was every bit what it should have been, and the Undertaker's streak remains untarnished.
6. Team Johnny v. Team Teddy (Winning GM is GM of both shows): 4 out of 5. Twelve wrestlers, two General Managers, five ladies, and a leprechaun walk into WrestleMania. A new ref with stupid hair has a hard time keeping things in order. Dolph Ziggler sells like only he can, and the Miz delivers a Skull-Crushing Finale to Zack Ryder after a distraction from Eve. After a brief in-ring celebration by Team Johnny, Zack pushes Eve away while the rest of Team Teddy looks like a gang bang might begin any second. And then Eve kicked Zack in the jewels, and walked away like, "Well, what did you expect from a hoeski?" But the REALLY good news here? Johnny will give Daniel Bryan a rematch in a heartbeat. He clearly wasn't ready.
7. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship): 5 out of 5. Mehe thinks that this doesn't deserve a 5 because Undertaker/HHH was SO over-the-top incredible. But that's just it. Freaking everything is going to pale in comparison to the Undertaker keeping up his streak in this show. Jericho and Punk, knowing they would be overshadowed by the one match yet to come, put on the match of their lives, from the opening mat-wrestling, to Jericho yelling "Hey Punk! Your father!" (along with other members of his family), to the trading-off of trademark submission holds. I was happy to see Punk retain here, and I'm very much looking forward to how this translates into post-Mania aftermath.
8. The Rock v. John Cena: 4 out of 5. The night ended with even more surprises, and this time, pleasant ones. The Rock surprised everyone, including John Cena, when he Brought It For Real. Turns out these guys actually did know how important this match needed to be after all the build-up and hype over the last year. Even more surprising was the finish. Being widely-viewed as another "passing the torch" match, I fully expected Cena to take that torch from Rock. As it is, Rock served to prove two things. First, the smarks are right and the Attitude Era was better than the current product. Second, that John Cena is not invincible. Even Superman has been killed. Every superhero has a weakness, and this puncture in Cena's shell, if handled properly by the creative team, is a great opportunity to give the guy some humility and some character that could save him for the older audience. Maybe.
In other news, Brodus Clay called his mama, and then his mama's big butt came out and danced along with about 30 other dancers dressed exactly the same. And Captain Keith Colburn of the Wizard from "Deadliest Catch" fame ate crab with The Cobra and Mr. Socko.
The next pay-per-view is Extreme Rules. Stay tuned to Girls Watch Wrestling for the updates!