AKA "Where the FUCK is my Pizza???" (Seriously, I spent most of this pay-per-view waiting for a pizza that arrived an hour later than predicted, lukewarm. On the upside, free pizza!)
1. Zema Ion v. Jesse Sorensen (#1 contender for X-Division): 2 out of 5. This match had the potential to be a really great opener for the show. Unfortunately, a botched flying knee spot knocked Sorensen out cold (legit) and ended this match well before its scheduled time. As of this writing, the report is that Sorensen can feel his legs (which is definitely positive), but cannot move them. There was a bit of scrambling to fill time after this happened, but luckily this was the curtain-jerker, and likely to be a short match anyway, so it didn't take too long to get back on track.
2. Robbie E v. Shannon Moore (Television Championship): 2 out of 5. Hours before the pay-per-view aired, Robbie E put out a video open challenge, which he echoed at the show. Shannon Moore answered the call, and made us here at GWW groan. We're beginning to dread our own state's wrestlers in the ring at this point. What does it say about North Carolina that R-Truth is the most grounded performer we've produced? This match was alright, nothing to write home about, and Robbie E left the arena still the Television Champion. To be truthful, this match would have been better situated between the Tag and X-Division championship matches. Putting it so early really gave a slow start to the program.
3. Gail Kim v. Tara (Knockouts Championship): 4 out of 5. Alright, now the show finally begins to pick up the pace. I guess I haven't really been paying attention to Gail Kim's story in the last couple of weeks. Our good friend Paul over at Squared Circle Jerks tells me that they have been teasing dissention between Kim and her tag team partner Madison Rayne, but they must not have been doing it in a very anvilicious way, because Madison's walk-out seemed to come out of nowhere. Luckily for Kim, she has enough talent that she didn't need her little lackey to take out Tara. I'm hoping to see this rivalry continue to Victory Road.
4. Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Matt Morgan & Crimson (Tag Team Championship): 4 out of 5. My first mis-call of the night, but I'm not complaining. I was genuinely surprised to see the challengers get the push here, but I will say that I did call the caveat. How did we get new champions? That's right, because Magnus pinned Morgan. Despite the continuation of "Joe can never win; Crimson can never lose" in that way, this was a good match. The new champions are a great, cohesive unit, and it opens up a lot of opportunities in the company for more guys to create tag teams and challenge, since Morgan and Crimson are clearly destined for rivalry.
5. Austin Aries v. Alex Shelley (X-Division Championship): 4 out of 5. Lots and lots of high scores tonight. This being TNA, the expectation has been for the pay-per-view to basically be a 3-hour-long extra Impact, but something has got these guys on their A game lately. I don't know if it's the afore-mentioned blood-smelling, or the changes that have been going on backstage, but either way, I like it. This championship match was another solid match, with the competitors going at each other with such equal ferocity that it spawned a rather suitable "This is awesome" chant from the crowd. And once again, the Rock Star, Austin Mercury, came out on top. As it should be.
6. Kazarian v. AJ Styles: 4 out of 5. Back-and-forth "I know your moves inside-and-out"? Check. Shenanigans from Christopher Daniels? Check. Pizza? ... Wait, why am I having to call back a SECOND time?? So, to be fair, this match was at the point that I was so pissed off because I was starving and still waiting for my dinner arrived that I couldn't even watch the whole match. From what I saw, it was appropriately awesome, but regrettably, I didn't even see the ending. Don't worry, folks, I slammed the door in that pizza guy's face.
7. Gunner v. Garrett Bischoff: 3 out of 5. That may seem high, but hear me out. Despite all the talk by Hogan that Garrett Bischoff is the future of this business, all the chest-puffing and decided lack of actual action, all the expectations that Garrett was going to go over SOLELY because he's Eric Bischoff's son, they swerved us here. They actually went the logical route, which I never expected, and put Gunner over instead. Most of the match consisted of Gunner brutalizing Garrett in the ring, and Hogan beating up on Eric outside of it. So, once again, even though I was wrong with my prediction, I'm actually REALLY not mad about that.
8. Bobby Roode v. James Storm v. Bully Ray v. Jeff Hardy (TNA World Heavyweight Championship): 3 out of 5. *sigh* This is the third and final incorrect prediction of the night. And, unlike the other two, I'm actually a little upset by this, although by the consolation that Jeff Hardy did NOT win (and in fact took a belt to the face), I'm less upset about this than I probably could be. Bully Ray, as I've mentioned, is the strongest competitor out of this group of four, and I was REALLY hoping to be able to say, "Bully Ray: TNA World Heavyweight Champion" as he commanded. Unfortunately, it was not to be. When Brian Hebner (the paperiest of paper refs) took his second bump and was down for the count, Bobby Roode took the opportunity to antagonize Sting. An enraged Sting missed a belt shot intended for Roode, and afterwards was forced to count him to victory. The IWC raged. I saw the silver lining. Guys, it may have not been the clean finish you would have liked, but Jeff Hardy didn't win!! Jeff Hardy was the guy who was knocked out and pinned at the end of the night! Can we please just agree that some good came out of this and have a little faith?