Generally regarded as one of the worst Wrestlemanias, I decided to watch it while dying my hair to be more like Sheamus.
Here's a summary of my thought patterns:
We open with Finkus Maximus and JR in a toga. Remembering that this was JR's first televison assignment doesn't ease my embarrassment for the poor man. They started in on him early, didn't they?
Man, Macho Man was a pimp.
Lol, Bobby Heenan backwards on a camel.
Shawn Michaels vs Tatanka? Really? Okay... I'll buy it.
What the hell was Luna doing? And Sensational Sherri? Macho, you know how tough Sherri was, why are you acting like two kicks to her ribs was a Super Destroyer?
HAHA! Scotty Steiner's gear is so eighties I wanna pull out some aquanet and destroy the ozone layer as I tease my hair. Whoa, is that Rikishi? It's Rikishi! He's so thin! He sure wasn't doing this for the Rock. Or the people.
Holy crap, is that ref Bill Alfonso? IT IS! Crazy. Where's his whistle? Oh, wait, nevermind, I don't miss it.
Doink the Clown was part of the reason I feared clowns as a child. I still do. Fucking clownshoes.
Scott Hall used to be someone. This musta been before the drugs. Bob Backlund's damned impressive for a 43 year old man.
I sure did love Money Inc. What was the reason for Hulk's eye being busted and stitched up? It's an ugly looking injury. *quick wiki check* Daaaaaamn, Mach, you did that to him? Good for you!
Wait, Jimmy's jacket is reversible? That can't be legal! It's not.
WTF is Natalie Cole doing here? I don't miss Todd Pettingill.
More Manias need to be held outside.
Woo Hoo! Mr. Perfect! I loved that guy. ...vs Lex Luger? Crap. Wait, Lex is the heel and Curt's the face? What crazyland is this? Oh, man, Curt botched the interview segment. Guess he wasn't so perfect after all.
WHAT THE HELL IS LEX WEARING? It's blinding. Those poor women with him can't see! This gimmick sucked. At least he didn't have that giant mirror with him. Oh, wait, the girls all have mirrors. Great. If they focus the beams of light, maybe they could fry him. Who thought putting sparklers on the mirrors was a good idea?
OOO I LOVED MR. PERFECT'S MUSIC!!!
Dayglo yellow tights. That spells class right there. You know what else spells class? Ass tassels on Lex Luger. This match is really slow. Dolph Ziggler really does channel Curt when he wrestles. All the way down to the mussed up hair. I wish Dolph would adopt a singlet. I wonder if Joe Hennig ever watches his dad's old matches and wonders why he can't be this good. Genetics aren't everything in wrestling, it seems.
Luger didn't have much of a moveset, did he? How was he ever over? Good heeling by Lex with the feet on the ropes. That graphic that they just threw up is really distracting. It takes up a quarter of the screen...
Inside cradle, no cigar. That's from the Macho Man's mouth, not mine.
This match goes for ten minutes? Oh, look, Lex cheated to win. Am I surprised? No. Wait, was this when they were saying that Lex had a plate in his arm. It must be, because there's no way a forearm shot would put Curt down. Oh, Curt's pissed. It's really weird to hear Bobby disparaging Curt, knowing he used to manage him.
STREET FIGHT! AWESOME!
Shawn's wearing cowboy boots. Hey, a rare Hebner twins sighting!
Poor JR is stuck between a fighting Bobby and Macho Man.
Gorrilla wears a toga well.
OH BOY IT'S UNDERTAKER TIME! I LOVE THE UNDERTAKER!!!
Ok, seriously, who thought this airbrushed suit on Gonzales was a good idea? It's a travesty unto my eyes. There's fur airbrushed onto this thing. ...Hey, that fan just threw up a middle finger! Right in the middle of the screen.
I remember this match. This was when I still believed.
Taker with that vulture is fucking awesome. Macho just said that a "man who surrounds himself with darkness sheds a lot of light." Yes, yes he does. I love that coat Taker's wear... WHY DID THEY AIRBRUSH BUTTCRACK ON THE SUIT?!
Grey and black Taker is my favorite Undertaker.
It's Alfonso again!
I'm so not used to seeing Undertaker have to look up to anyone.
BIG RIGHT HAND!
I miss the Undertaker.
Wow, he's really tat-free here. Lol, only the Undertaker would no sell a nutshot. I remember little Mehe sitting on the edge of the couch for this match. I was a worried Creature of the Night (and fuck you, Jeff Hardy, for stealing that from Taker. Once a Creature, always a Creature, you drugged up asshole.)
Randy, king of the exaggeration. Palm the ring indeed.
I gotta give major props to Undertaker for wrestling with that much hair in his face. I have a lot of hair, and when it gets in my face like that, I can barely see.
Paul Bearer was awesome. So was the urn.
...Is this THAT match? The one with the chloroform? Oh my god, it is. Hello, Bill? Can't you see the rag in his hand? DO SOMETHING! Useless ref.
Even after all this time, I don't like seeing Taker laid out in the ring. Never have, never will.
Undertaker was soooooo good at selling everything. He's selling this cloroform like death.
Oh, great, Gonzales has Bill Alfonso. BOOOOOO THIS MAN.
Man, Paul Bearer could pull some weird faces.
WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE CALLING FOR HOGAN?
TAKER'S BACK! Not even cloroform can keep him down.
With that match, I think my official 'dead wrestler count' is at six.
Make it seven with the appearance of Yokozuna. I'm not even gonna try to downplay the sadness of that. Seven people in a pay per view from just over 19 years ago.
Man, Macho REALLY did a number on Hogan's eye. ...Why was a I a Hulkamaniac?
The Jap. Classy, Hulkster. Really classy.
Great, Todd's back.
I love that they're passing off a samoan from Hawaii as a Japanese man.
YEAH! BRET! I had made up my own lyrics to his theme. They went "WE'RE ALL FOR BRET HART NOW! WE'RE ALL FOR BRET HART NOW!"
Now that I listen to it, it sounds like the theme to Miami Vice.
That winged eagle belt was a beautiful belt.
Good grief, Yoko's leg looks like a giant turkey leg to me.
These fans are chanting USA during a match between a Canadian and a "Japanese" man. Stellar.
There would be one sure way to break that nerve hold that Yoko had on Bret. Purple Nurple.
Thank you, Brain, for reiterating my personal thought pattern about the fans chanting USA.
Damn, Bret, you got a sharpshooter on that guy.
OH GOD THE DREADED BABY POWDER ATTACK. New champion!
...and here comes Hulk Hogan to bring the focus back on him. How did I not realize back then that Hogan was a scene stealing glory hound?
Oh, because it was 1993 and I was twelve.
Hogan's champ again. Yay. For fuck's sake. I know the little Mehe was celebrating, but the grown up Mehe is disgusted.
And that's WRESTLEMANIA IX!