Monday Night Raw
1. Wade Barrett faced Sheamus. And it's about damn time he had a high-profile opponent too! I was really excited for the return of Wade Barrett when the vignettes began, but once he came back I feel like he's lost his momentum, and the problem along the way has been the booking. He's had to face random midcarders that almost never get screen time. And then one week, he took a huge step backwards from that by being put up against some random no-name local jobber. Why? When he left, he and Randy Orton were beating the everloving hell out of each other every week. He threw Randy Orton down a flight of stairs for crying out loud... are we just supposed to forget that? His return booking has had me extremely puzzled since he returned, but when I saw that he had a match against Sheamus literally the only reaction I could have was, "Finally!" Making the sudden jump here from guy with no name to World Heavyweight Champion might seem weird, but I think it is less weird than him squaring off against jobbers after his last opponent before his hiatus was Randy motherfucking Orton. Well, it's certainly preferable anyway. The best part here is that Wade wasn't totally buried by the champion. They fought an even match until Tensai decided to break up the party and force the DQ. Why Tensai, I'm not entirely sure...
2. No Seriously, Cassandra Face Eve is the Best. I just so badly want for everything that Eve says to be true. I want her to be a real advocate for the Divas division. I want her not to have any involvement in Kaitlyn's injury. I want her to start defending her actions in the ring as just trying to be a tough, competitive Diva's Champion, because dammit that's what the division needs right now. That's why she held on to Kaitlyn's ankle so long after the bell rang. It's not because she's really a vicious bitch. It's because she wanted to be sure that the Divas understood how much this title meant for the division, and how hard they would all have to work now to claim it. It's just what these women need right now. They need a purpose in the ring again. Don't get me wrong, Eve's no Sable, but I actually think that she's just the girl to put women's wrestling back in the spotlight where it belongs.
And of course, I want Teddy Long to be driven completely insane by the fact that when this is all over, he will have to eat his words.
3. The Punk Incident. So I guess I can't write this article and not talk about all the deliciousness that happened while Vince McMahon was in the house. I loved that Punk didn't waste any time interrupting the State of the WWE Address (have I mentioned I don't like politics mixed in my wrestling?). I legitimately yelled out loud at the TV in excitement when Punk slapped Vince. I squeed with delight while Paul Heyman played the part of Only Sane Man and tried desperately and unsuccessfully to avoid unnecessary confrontation. I like Vince McMahon so much more than I did two years ago, and it's because of the doses he comes in. The dose may be small, but you can bet your ass that he is going to get the most mileage out of it that is possible. I guess I just expected Vince to turn up Monday, be serious for no reason, and leave again. I keep forgetting... this is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. So of course that didn't happen. Instead, he showed up, got knocked down, issued a challenge to the champion, and then had a match at the end of the night. "Had a Match" is probably not an accurate description. It was more like a "Violent Charisma Ballet" and it was a thing of beauty. Vince dove over a table to tackle Punk. Punk put a headset on and yelled "WHAT A MANEUVER!" before slamming Vince's head into the announce desk. It was beautiful magic. And it was all derailed by some guys in Sacramento who were clearly high. Yes, I'm talking about the arena's security team. I'm pretty sure they were all sitting in a back parking lot somewhere, passing a joint around, and at one point one of them goes, "I feel like we're forgetting something" and then there's a serious pause as they all look around at each other before they finally burst into laughter because that's clearly the paranoia talking. Except they did forget something. A very important something. They forgot that the Champion was making an exit through the crowd, and that he's a super bad guy now, and that people are dumb and need to be protected from themselves. The result was that CM Punk ended up bashing a guy in the face after taking several shots from the fans. So Yeah, fuck those Sacramento guys. I hope they're all browsing the Help Wanted ads now.
TNA Impact!
1. Zema Ion: Livin la Vida Kayfabe. I'm pretty much in love with Zema Ion at this point. I think I've mentioned that he's a big draw for me to watch TNA every week. And a big part of that is that KAYFABE LIVES. Zema's big talking point as a heel is, of course, breaking Jesse Sorensen's neck. He lives it, he revels in it, and he never drops it from your memory. And funnily enough, that was actually the moment that I realized that Zema Ion was really good at his job. Not because he broke a guy's neck. Injuries are going to happen, and they're probably going to happen a lot more often to younger wrestlers. And I'm sure it was a scary moment for Zema. When he understood what had happened, I'm sure he was concerned that he may have ended a guy's career, and had a lot of deep thinking time between tapings after that. But while he was in front of the cameras, he was a Professional Wrestler, emphasis on the Professional. He never broke character, not for a split second. He immediately embraced this mishap as part of his story as a villain. He's not just effin pretty, he's pretty effin dangerous. And that was basically his whole point on Thursday. He's so dangerous, in fact, that he's eliminated his competition for the X-Division Title and has no one to defend against on Sunday... Well, I guess RVD will fix that problem. So... yeah... great.
2. And That's Pretty Much It. Yeah, it seemed like a slow week for TNA. Lots of random matches, getting ready for the Pay-Per-View. Austin Aries continues to be... ehhhh, I dunno, it just feels painfully forced, this heel turn. And I lost interest in Aces & Eights long ago when it became clear that no one was listening to my suggestion to make Jeff Hardy the leader. I just find myself not caring all that much about most of the roster lately, so I don't feel any need to write about their stories at any length.
Friday Night Smackdown!
1. Dolph Ziggler v. Kane. More specifically, Dolph Ziggler challenged Kane for this fight after his tag team loss to Hell No on Monday. It's just another step forward for Dolph Ziggler. He struggled against Kane for a while, because it's fucking KANE and he's a MONSTER as well as being the Tag Team Champions. And then Ziggler got a bit of offense in because he needs to look strong and Kane is a Boss at making guys look awesome. In the end, Dolph forced the DQ by hitting Kane with the briefcase, which only served to remind us that Dolph Ziggler is dangerous and cunning, and to make us realize that sometime very, very soon, he is going to be our World Heavyweight Champion.
2. Aha! A Clue! Aksana apparently brought a blonde wig to Kaitlyn and Layla, claiming she found it in Eve's bag. Pish-posh! And anyway, Eve points out, since when is it okay to go through other people's belongings? Oh, hey, since that's a thing now, Eve found a blonde wig in Teddy's bag so now she thinks Teddy did it. I'm not even going to ask why anyone would have purchased and worn a blonde wig to attack Kaitlyn weeks ago and not have thrown that wig out since then. Much less why there could be multiple blonde wigs floating around the roster. I'm certainly no one to judge what other people do in their time off. However, the wig does complicate matters, because it does mean that it could be literally anyone. It could have been Hornswoggle for all we know. I think we the viewers need to have a look at this security tape so that we can try to help crack this case! How's that for an interactive show? Don't forget, Eve is an angel and a saint and speaks only truth now. And none of this "I did it for the people" crap.
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