Impact 12-1-11

I did intend to post this last night, but then the cat tried to kill me. You know, the usual.

Matches:

1. Devon & Pope v. Mexican America v. Ink, Inc. - 3 out of 5.

2. Mickie James v. ODB - 4 out of 5.

3. RVD v. Robbie E - 2 out of 5.

4. Jeff Hardy v. A.J. Styles v. Bobby Roode - 3 out of 5.

Every time I finish listing the matches for Impact, I sit back a moment and go, "was that really all?" Then I remember they have an hour and a half of backstage segments, in-ring promos, interviews via sattelite, and Karen Jarrett being a bitch to squeeze in somewhere. This week, the Knockouts match ALMOST made up for that. Seriously, a street fight between Mickie James and ODB? This had to have been an absolute field day for Mickie. She learned to wrestle with the boys, and ODB is a tough girl, so Mickie was like Superman battling Darkseid: for a rare moment in her career, she was allowed the opportunity to let loose her full destructive power and really let ODB have it.

Speaking of the Knockouts, this weeks episode of Karen Jarrett is a Bitch was TOTALLY pointless. It's December, you whore, put those girls back in some actual clothes and back indoors so they don't catch pneumonia. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a scantily-clad woman as much as the next fan, but this was blatant fanservice at its worst. The announcers were barely able to muster up any kind of excitement about it. The whole thing went absolutely nowhere. As a female wrestling fan, it was particularly insulting.

Worse than Bully Ray and Scott Steiner sending Abyss hookers, you ask? Well, yes. At least the hookers served a purpose. Immortal senses danger from the jilted monster and Eric Bischoff put Bully Ray in charge of doing everything he could to get him back into the fold. Luckily for us, this meant another backstage segment between Bully and Steiner. If I could just have two hours of those two yelling incoherently at each other, I would be happy. They're fucking magic together. So they concocted a very simple plan to get on Abyss' good side: get him laid. Apparently, between the two of them, they know a lot of ladies of the night. Those poor girls never knew what hit them...

Now, finally, we have the updates for Final Resolution. Mickie James was already the #1 contender for Gail Kim's championship, but she had to go through ODB this week anyway to keep that spot (Because Karen Jarrett is a Bitch, for anyone playing the drinking game). Devon and Pope won the right to face Mexican America in their match. Oh, yeah, and Jeff Jarrett is exuding so much hate for Jeff Hardy lately, Sting decided it would be best for them to fight in a steel cage. But that's not all! If Jarrett wins, Hardy leaves forever (fat chance), and if Hardy wins, he becomes #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. I'm actually kind of hoping for a stalemate both-men-hit-the-floor-at-the-same-time ending to this match, because I don't like either of those outcomes. I said I would keep an open mind, and give Hardy a chance if he can show he can still work. He's been doing well in the last few weeks, but I really don't understand how this merits him another opportunity at the belt. The company should know better. And it REALLY sounds awkward coming from Sting, the guy who had to put that dog down, giving Hardy, the guy who cost TNA dozens of dollars in pay-per-view sales, a free pass at the gold.

Do you hear that, TNA? That's the sound of the entire internet banging its collective head against the wall.